Holy Crap!!
I feel violated.
For two reasons.
And I’m not sure which is worse.
My bike has recently disappeared from my garage.
Which is not to say that it has been ‘stolen’, per se.
See, I believe in God. Or at least, I believe in the existence of a higher power. A lot of this has to do with the fact of God’s existence being drilled into my head from an age where my bullshit-meter was ill formed.
I mean, let’s face it. At the age of 4, when someone tells you that there’s this all powerful, all seeing, all knowing being, what else are you meant to believe? At the age of 4, everything is massive. Playground swings feel like they’re going really fast. Monkey bars feel really high. Your parents look like giants. And when these giants tell you that there’s something out there that’s bigger and better than them, you tend to listen without applying a great deal of critical analysis.
Notwithstanding, in my older, slightly more cynical state, I’ve attempted to apply more logic to this question. Is religion a pure human construct, designed to deflect the answers to questions that seemingly have none? Perhaps it is a tribal mechanism that allows us to satisfy an overwhelming human urge of belonging?
It is fair to say that there appears to be an inverse relationship between those who apply science to explain the unanswerable questions, and those who have absolute conviction in faith in a superhuman as being the source of their origin.
Which brings me back to my bike and its Houdini performance.
Technically, I’m sure there are perfectly good scientific explanations for my bike’s disappearance. It may have entered a localised black hole and been transported to a parallel universe. There may have been some sort of interruption in the space time continuum. Perhaps it merely spontaneously combusted.
However, to my knowledge, there is no bank of scientific research into the metamorphosis between bicycle (2 wheeled vehicle) and human faeces (a pile of steaming turds).
To the budding scientists out there who have just been inspired to write a Nobel winning thesis, I ask that you find some way of turning the pile of excrement on my garage floor back into my pink and yellow Malvern Star, as this bike has significant sentimental value for me.
To those of you still reading the excrement spewing forth from my keyboard, I believe that there is no scientific explanation for the conversion that took place in my absence and can therefore posit that God is responsible for what can only be defined as a miracle.
Of course, some of the crazier readers might try and argue that there was some form of human intervention in my garage. They would revert to an obvious social stereotype and suggest that a person or persons unknown (possibly homeless, deranged, on drugs or in need of drugs) entered my garage, relieved their bowels and made a fast getaway on my bike.
To those people, I ask the following.
Did God drop the ball by not including a commandment “Thou shalt not take a crap on thy neighbour’s floor”? I would have assumed that this was an automatic; to be assumed; inherent in human existence. Clearly this person does not believe in social order whatsoever.
And herein lies my conclusion.
That is, God is an all-seeing (mechanism for maintaining law and order in society) and all-powerful (able to answer all questions unanswerable) social fabrication. Not only does belief in God give us comfort in our own existence, it saves us from the existence of those around us.
Have you ever watched 2 professional sporting teams, where all the players on the field, prior to the game, stop and pray? Every time they score a goal, make a tackle, hit a home run or score a basket, is an occasion to stop and pay respect to God. And when they’ve won, it was because God gave them the strength and talent to win.
In sports, 50% of all teams will end up losers on a given day. I can guarantee that 50% of all sporting teams would not describe their religious attachment as atheist or agnostic. Nor will you ever see a sportsperson in a post match interview say “Well, we tried our hardest on the day, but I guess God didn’t like the lamb we sacrificed last night”
So, here are the hard facts.
In life, there will be people faster than you, stronger than you and in general better than you. In life, there will be people worse off than you, less socially integrated and with a lower sense of morality.
My bike is missing and there is shit on my floor. And I’m pretty sure it’s not Holy shit.
For two reasons.
And I’m not sure which is worse.
My bike has recently disappeared from my garage.
Which is not to say that it has been ‘stolen’, per se.
See, I believe in God. Or at least, I believe in the existence of a higher power. A lot of this has to do with the fact of God’s existence being drilled into my head from an age where my bullshit-meter was ill formed.
I mean, let’s face it. At the age of 4, when someone tells you that there’s this all powerful, all seeing, all knowing being, what else are you meant to believe? At the age of 4, everything is massive. Playground swings feel like they’re going really fast. Monkey bars feel really high. Your parents look like giants. And when these giants tell you that there’s something out there that’s bigger and better than them, you tend to listen without applying a great deal of critical analysis.
Notwithstanding, in my older, slightly more cynical state, I’ve attempted to apply more logic to this question. Is religion a pure human construct, designed to deflect the answers to questions that seemingly have none? Perhaps it is a tribal mechanism that allows us to satisfy an overwhelming human urge of belonging?
It is fair to say that there appears to be an inverse relationship between those who apply science to explain the unanswerable questions, and those who have absolute conviction in faith in a superhuman as being the source of their origin.
Which brings me back to my bike and its Houdini performance.
Technically, I’m sure there are perfectly good scientific explanations for my bike’s disappearance. It may have entered a localised black hole and been transported to a parallel universe. There may have been some sort of interruption in the space time continuum. Perhaps it merely spontaneously combusted.
However, to my knowledge, there is no bank of scientific research into the metamorphosis between bicycle (2 wheeled vehicle) and human faeces (a pile of steaming turds).
To the budding scientists out there who have just been inspired to write a Nobel winning thesis, I ask that you find some way of turning the pile of excrement on my garage floor back into my pink and yellow Malvern Star, as this bike has significant sentimental value for me.
To those of you still reading the excrement spewing forth from my keyboard, I believe that there is no scientific explanation for the conversion that took place in my absence and can therefore posit that God is responsible for what can only be defined as a miracle.
Of course, some of the crazier readers might try and argue that there was some form of human intervention in my garage. They would revert to an obvious social stereotype and suggest that a person or persons unknown (possibly homeless, deranged, on drugs or in need of drugs) entered my garage, relieved their bowels and made a fast getaway on my bike.
To those people, I ask the following.
Did God drop the ball by not including a commandment “Thou shalt not take a crap on thy neighbour’s floor”? I would have assumed that this was an automatic; to be assumed; inherent in human existence. Clearly this person does not believe in social order whatsoever.
And herein lies my conclusion.
That is, God is an all-seeing (mechanism for maintaining law and order in society) and all-powerful (able to answer all questions unanswerable) social fabrication. Not only does belief in God give us comfort in our own existence, it saves us from the existence of those around us.
Have you ever watched 2 professional sporting teams, where all the players on the field, prior to the game, stop and pray? Every time they score a goal, make a tackle, hit a home run or score a basket, is an occasion to stop and pay respect to God. And when they’ve won, it was because God gave them the strength and talent to win.
In sports, 50% of all teams will end up losers on a given day. I can guarantee that 50% of all sporting teams would not describe their religious attachment as atheist or agnostic. Nor will you ever see a sportsperson in a post match interview say “Well, we tried our hardest on the day, but I guess God didn’t like the lamb we sacrificed last night”
So, here are the hard facts.
In life, there will be people faster than you, stronger than you and in general better than you. In life, there will be people worse off than you, less socially integrated and with a lower sense of morality.
My bike is missing and there is shit on my floor. And I’m pretty sure it’s not Holy shit.
posted by The Groin at 11:25 am
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