State Sponsored Sexual Assault
A good friend of mine who studies psychology heralded an interesting fact the other day. Supposedly, men are far more likely than women to avoid a visit to the doctor for a test or health check because they would rather not know that something is wrong with them.
This was anecdotally confirmed at breakfast on Sunday morning. When questioned as to why he didn't enjoy medical tests, my mate responded "They don't do anything. You wait for ages to go into this room, where they stick something into your throat, ask you to cough..."
At this point, I interrupted him with a memory that had clearly been repressed for a very long time.
"... and they grab your balls to check they're both there."
This was met with a stunned response from my breakfast companions.
My male companion looked as though he'd just been slapped with a serve of smoked salmon, because clearly he too had been repressing this memory since the age of 7. My female companion sat staring with her jaw dropped (and not because she was eating roast chickpeas).
Obviously, this was a traumatic experience that I'd kept bottled for many years. I must say, Sunday breakfast marked the first time in a while I'm managed to feel some form of closure.
The details are sketchy, but this is roughly what I remember.
Childhood was carefree. School involved a lot of running around, tennis balls, marbles, footy cards, monkey bars, forts, swings, see-saws, merry-go-rounds.
And then one day, we were lining up outside the nurse's room.
At first, playground rules applied. Single file was a very loose single file. There was a rush to get to the front. Once in line, the 'frontage-backage' technique was employed to get all your friends standing around you.
And then, the first boy walked in. 2 minutes later, he walked out... completely white.
"What happened? What did you do?" were the inevitable questions from those about to go in.
"They ... they grabbed my balls"
The rumour spread through the line in record time.
"What's going on?"
"They grabbed Mark's* balls."
(* name changed to protect innocent young boy who had his balls grabbed)
"Really? Are they grabbing everyone's balls?"
As is the nature of 'Chinese Whispers', any message passed down a line will be distorted by the time it gets to the back, sometimes to incomprehension. This, coupled with a general distrust in anything said by a school child, left a bunch of shaking, green schoolchildren, hands over pants.
The next boy walks in, shaking. Walks out 2 minutes later, white as a ghost.
"Did they grab your balls?"
"Yep. They grabbed my balls."
The rumours increasingly confirmed, my memory was of being towards the back of the line and becoming increasingly traumatised by the number of confirmed ball-grabs, possibly hoping that the nurse would forget. The nurse didn't forget.
Didn't even buy me a drink.
And the worst part of it all? I don't remember the nurse. At all. Name. Face. Gender. Not a thing.
I've completely shoved it out of my memory.
After all, how many early memories do you have?
The earliest memory I have is of throwing some kid's shovel over a cliff when I was 4 years old. Of course the shovel was a tiny plastic spade and the cliff was 1 metre high.
Anyways, the only reason I remember this is because I copped the belting of a lifetime from my mother. Literally. I don't remember ever having been hit harder.
Fast forward to my next memory. Some faceless nurse with their hands on my private parts, saying "Cough".
I'm pretty sure that this day marked a change in my daily response to the question "How was school?", from an excited and descriptive:
"It was great!! I learnt times tables and grammar and I played handball and tip in the schoolyard"
to a rushed one word response:
"Fine."
But, back to breakfast...
"I can't believe this!!," my female companion started. "Does this happen to everyone? Why don't I remember these medicals?"
Gee, I wonder. What would they have been looking for?
But, it does beg the question. What were these medical examinations really about? Are they even legitimate medical examinations? How long have they been going on for? Does the general public even know about them? Parents? Are you aware that you are sending your children to school so they can have their balls manhandled?
Independent research (performed by myself) suggests that every child across Australia was subject to one of these tests in school. Surely, therefore, there would be some form of government policy on this issue, accessible by all and sundry over the internet.
A Google search of the words "medical examination doctor grab testicles cough" results in a lot of medical jokes.
Similarly useless was the expression "state sponsored medical exam grab balls school childhood trauma"
Lastly, the search "sick weirdo school nurse grab children's balls" turned up some interesting sites, but none useful for the purpose of this article.
Whatever the answer is, it's a secret. And, as everyone knows, behind every secret is a government conspiracy.
Why would any government would want to grab the male child population by the balls at such a psychologically crucial age?
(So they know what it feels like to pay taxes? Boom boom, tssss)
But there is truth to every (poor) joke. The government has an inherent interest in controlling its citizenry and what better way to control your citizens than by traumatising them from a young age. Who's the boss? The government. Who do you listen to? The government. Who can get to you no matter where you hide? The government. Who's got you by the balls? The government.
No wonder my mate refuses to get a medical examination.
Naturally, there are social repercussions of this flagrant attempt to brainwash society.
For starters, let's talk about the inability of males to commit. I mean, every male has had their balls grabbed by a stranger, without explanation, at the age of 8. No wonder we find it hard to open up to people, to let ourselves get close and intimate.
Furthermore, I am extremely wary of letting this knowledge hit the public forum, on account of the potential for exploitation.
For example, say there is a girl who has been maligned by her male partner, who has cheated on her with by sleeping with her best friend. She wants revenge in a hurry. So, the next time she's intimate with her partner, she grabs his balls and tells him to cough, psychologically screwing him for life and guaranteeing his inability to sleep with anyone ever again.
It's a dangerous game.
And I for one, need closure.
Revenge will be twofold for me.
1. I need to find the 'nurse' who grabbed me. And grab them back.
2. I want to know the name of the minister who legislated this violation of my basic personal rights. And I want his balls on a platter.
This was anecdotally confirmed at breakfast on Sunday morning. When questioned as to why he didn't enjoy medical tests, my mate responded "They don't do anything. You wait for ages to go into this room, where they stick something into your throat, ask you to cough..."
At this point, I interrupted him with a memory that had clearly been repressed for a very long time.
"... and they grab your balls to check they're both there."
This was met with a stunned response from my breakfast companions.
My male companion looked as though he'd just been slapped with a serve of smoked salmon, because clearly he too had been repressing this memory since the age of 7. My female companion sat staring with her jaw dropped (and not because she was eating roast chickpeas).
Obviously, this was a traumatic experience that I'd kept bottled for many years. I must say, Sunday breakfast marked the first time in a while I'm managed to feel some form of closure.
The details are sketchy, but this is roughly what I remember.
Childhood was carefree. School involved a lot of running around, tennis balls, marbles, footy cards, monkey bars, forts, swings, see-saws, merry-go-rounds.
And then one day, we were lining up outside the nurse's room.
At first, playground rules applied. Single file was a very loose single file. There was a rush to get to the front. Once in line, the 'frontage-backage' technique was employed to get all your friends standing around you.
And then, the first boy walked in. 2 minutes later, he walked out... completely white.
"What happened? What did you do?" were the inevitable questions from those about to go in.
"They ... they grabbed my balls"
The rumour spread through the line in record time.
"What's going on?"
"They grabbed Mark's* balls."
(* name changed to protect innocent young boy who had his balls grabbed)
"Really? Are they grabbing everyone's balls?"
As is the nature of 'Chinese Whispers', any message passed down a line will be distorted by the time it gets to the back, sometimes to incomprehension. This, coupled with a general distrust in anything said by a school child, left a bunch of shaking, green schoolchildren, hands over pants.
The next boy walks in, shaking. Walks out 2 minutes later, white as a ghost.
"Did they grab your balls?"
"Yep. They grabbed my balls."
The rumours increasingly confirmed, my memory was of being towards the back of the line and becoming increasingly traumatised by the number of confirmed ball-grabs, possibly hoping that the nurse would forget. The nurse didn't forget.
Didn't even buy me a drink.
And the worst part of it all? I don't remember the nurse. At all. Name. Face. Gender. Not a thing.
I've completely shoved it out of my memory.
After all, how many early memories do you have?
The earliest memory I have is of throwing some kid's shovel over a cliff when I was 4 years old. Of course the shovel was a tiny plastic spade and the cliff was 1 metre high.
Anyways, the only reason I remember this is because I copped the belting of a lifetime from my mother. Literally. I don't remember ever having been hit harder.
Fast forward to my next memory. Some faceless nurse with their hands on my private parts, saying "Cough".
I'm pretty sure that this day marked a change in my daily response to the question "How was school?", from an excited and descriptive:
"It was great!! I learnt times tables and grammar and I played handball and tip in the schoolyard"
to a rushed one word response:
"Fine."
But, back to breakfast...
"I can't believe this!!," my female companion started. "Does this happen to everyone? Why don't I remember these medicals?"
Gee, I wonder. What would they have been looking for?
But, it does beg the question. What were these medical examinations really about? Are they even legitimate medical examinations? How long have they been going on for? Does the general public even know about them? Parents? Are you aware that you are sending your children to school so they can have their balls manhandled?
Independent research (performed by myself) suggests that every child across Australia was subject to one of these tests in school. Surely, therefore, there would be some form of government policy on this issue, accessible by all and sundry over the internet.
A Google search of the words "medical examination doctor grab testicles cough" results in a lot of medical jokes.
Similarly useless was the expression "state sponsored medical exam grab balls school childhood trauma"
Lastly, the search "sick weirdo school nurse grab children's balls" turned up some interesting sites, but none useful for the purpose of this article.
Whatever the answer is, it's a secret. And, as everyone knows, behind every secret is a government conspiracy.
Why would any government would want to grab the male child population by the balls at such a psychologically crucial age?
(So they know what it feels like to pay taxes? Boom boom, tssss)
But there is truth to every (poor) joke. The government has an inherent interest in controlling its citizenry and what better way to control your citizens than by traumatising them from a young age. Who's the boss? The government. Who do you listen to? The government. Who can get to you no matter where you hide? The government. Who's got you by the balls? The government.
No wonder my mate refuses to get a medical examination.
Naturally, there are social repercussions of this flagrant attempt to brainwash society.
For starters, let's talk about the inability of males to commit. I mean, every male has had their balls grabbed by a stranger, without explanation, at the age of 8. No wonder we find it hard to open up to people, to let ourselves get close and intimate.
Furthermore, I am extremely wary of letting this knowledge hit the public forum, on account of the potential for exploitation.
For example, say there is a girl who has been maligned by her male partner, who has cheated on her with by sleeping with her best friend. She wants revenge in a hurry. So, the next time she's intimate with her partner, she grabs his balls and tells him to cough, psychologically screwing him for life and guaranteeing his inability to sleep with anyone ever again.
It's a dangerous game.
And I for one, need closure.
Revenge will be twofold for me.
1. I need to find the 'nurse' who grabbed me. And grab them back.
2. I want to know the name of the minister who legislated this violation of my basic personal rights. And I want his balls on a platter.
posted by The Groin at 3:17 pm
8 Comments:
Mate, I had this done to me a while ago as an adult, and it's quite a reasonable thing.
There is a check for a hernia, and if you cough there shouldn't be any feeling in your balls of you coughing; It should be isolated if everything is OK and hunky dory.
I would much much much more prefer some seedy old man to feel my balls, than not to know that I have a hernia. Check this hernia info page for a photo to convince you of the same.
You must admit that being groped is better than going through life half-cocked, so to speak.
I liked your article, Shtine. My balls were once grabbed. Actually, they've been grabbed several times, but since about age 16 its been by people under the delusion that I will enjoy it. Anyway, your piece - especially its paranoid allegations of conspiracy - got me to thinking. What exactly is the point of the ball-grabbing exercise? Hernia, schmernia. Whoever heard of a kid coming out of the nurse's office saying "They found a hernia". How do you get a ball hernia anyway? Cock pushups?
No, it ain't hernias. So why do they do it?
Possibility Number One: the school, perhaps for a fee, provides the "nurse" (read: sick, twisted pervert) with the opportunity to grab some young balls all day. This option immediately appealed to me as it is consonant with my idea of the morality of primary school education, but I dismiss it on the basis that it seems a strange kind of underage prostitution. I mean, if primary schools were really into the pimping business, surely they'd sell all our young arseholes down the river to the highest bidder.
Possibility Number Two: There is some kind of government screening at play. When my balls were grabbed, this kid in my class, Todd, never came out of the office. We asked what happened but were informed that his parents had moved to Canada. It struck me at the time that it was strange that Todd's parents happened to make that decision right at the time that we happened to be in the process of systematic molestation.
MY THEORY: They are looking for kids without balls. I don't think Todd had any balls. When we used to kick each other in the nuts, Todd seemed strangely unperturbed. I don't bevieve that I didn't connect the dots at the time; it's all so clear to me now.
Shtine,
So now we know where the inspiration for your blogs title came from. Here I'm thinking it had something to do with Football.
I think Raoul should have his own blog spot, and write some articles. Absolutely hilarious.
Oh and we never had the ball grabbing (read hernia) check at Moriah. Conspiracy theorists?
I went to school in the UK. I am 29 Years old and I did not have this examination. However, after sending your blog to my Dad, he confirms that this happened to him when he was 8. He is 58.
I wonder how many other Countries this examination applies to. Was my year, 'Hernia Free', at school?
What happens if I get a Hernia now? - Who can I blame because I did not have the "cough" examination?
Yes, I think an investigation needs to spring into action for this. Someone needs to get the ball rolling.
Best regards
Nobby Ballcough
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
"Why would any government would want to grab the male child population by the balls at such a psychologically crucial age?"
Is there ever an age when having some strange and unattractive person grab you by the balls isn't psychologically devastating?
When I was 11 the lesbian feminist teachers took all the girls to the lunchroom and taught them military techniques for sexually assaulting males, then they told them to use those sexual assault techniques on us any time they felt angry "for any reason," which of course they did. Yeah, they didn't have to be angry at us, just angry in general. I know you're mostly kidding here, but I'm not. One boy was carried out of the school soaked in his own urine because one girl kneed him just to see if it really worked. He was left lying face down in a pool of his own urine, holding what was left of his balls, and crying his eyes out in front of every kid he knew plus the lesbian teacher. And she was smiling. He hadn't done a damned thing except to be born a boy. I don't know if it's that bad in Australia, but that's how it is in America. If things are better there, let me know. I'm moving.
Post a Comment
<< Home