Customer Service - I salute you.
ShtineTime officially has a nemesis. Nemeses, actually. Three of them. All good things happen in threes. Three blind mice, Three wise men, Three-some … to quote De La Soul, 3 is a magic number.
Do you know what nemesis means?
Nemesis – “A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible c*nt... me.”
The beauty of a nemesis is its ability to extract the most rampant uncontrollable of human emotions – revenge.
In this instance though, my nemeses are companies. Companies with what amounts to, essentially, monopolies. Due to the nature of the industries within which they operate, these are companies that, through no choice of my own, I will be forced to do business with for the conceivable future. So, not only am I pissed off, but I can’t exact revenge through conventional means of not using their services in the future.
No, revenge will need to come in another form… poetry. And in honour of St Patrick’s Day coming up … limerick.
Virgin Blue (by Shtine Time)
An airline called Virgin Blue
Messed up my flight, it’s true
When I caused a spill
They offered goodwill
And to them, I say “F*CK YOU”
It must be bad karma to bag an airline whilst on one of their flights, but ShtineTime is now officially mobile.
Let me explain. On Sunday morning, I flew from Melbourne to Sydney. I had a return flight booked back to Melbourne on Monday morning, at 6am, but on account of the public holiday in Melbourne, I decided to spend Monday in Sydney, then return to Melbourne on Monday night.
It was 7am at Melbourne airport and I was being served by the lovely Vanessa. Virgin Blue have an unofficial policy of only hiring hot people – this would actually be an official policy, except they would no doubt get in too much trouble if they wrote it down anywhere. Instead, Virgin are happy to implement the policy for our aesthetic benefit and let’s face it, who am I to complain? Certainly, Vanessa was no exception to the policy.
One thing apparently missing in the policy is an assumption of competence.
Vanessa changed my flight to Monday evening and I was good to go.
Or so I thought.
See, it turns out that something went wrong. Somewhere between Vanessa telling me she’d changed my flight in the system and my next communication with Virgin on the phone at 4pm the next day, the change hadn’t gone through. I was classified as a “no-show” and had lost my flight.
I demanded to speak with someone who could deal with this and was presented with a very gay-sounding American. (Can you even say that these days? Mental note: write a blog discussing if one can use the expression “very gay-sounding American”) This guy was flaming.
So, the conversation goes as follows:
ST (Shtine Time) – “What are you going to do about this?”
(annoying American voice inflections are in bold)
VGSAPL (Very Gay Sounding American Phone Lackey) – “Well, I’m thorry, thir, but there’th not much we can do becauthe you’ve mithed your flight. The betht thing I can do ith to forward you to our ethca-lation department, where you can leave a methage. Al-ter-na-tive-ly, I can book you on another flight right now. What would you like to do?”
ST – (voice dripping with sarcasm) “Well, what I’d really like to do right now is leave a message on an answering machine. I mean, obviously, right now, I can think of no better way to resolve this than by talking to a machine. Can you?”
* Sound of brain breaking *
VGSAPL – “Tho, does that mean you want me to tranthfer you to our eth-ca-lation department?”
ST – “Can I ask you a question? Do you call yourselves Virgin because when you fuck your customers, it hurts like it hurt the first time?”
* Silence *
VGSAPL - “OK, I’ll forward you thir. Thankth for your call, have a good day.”
What’s more annoying? That the poor bastard on the other end of the line has done absolutely nothing to help me or that the band of misfits that he works for doesn’t give him the ability to?
As far as I could tell, this guy’s job is to be the person who the phone call is escalated to when pricks like me ring to complain. He doesn’t have the power to actually do anything – all his job description entails is receiving abuse, then forwarding people to an answering machine.
In the times of the Roman empire, his job would have been Christian.
“What do you do with yourself?”
“Oh, I’m a Christian. I spend most of my time getting thrown to the lions. It’s got some great perks – I get to spend my time outdoors, meet all sorts of interesting people…”
Anyways, I leave my message on the answering machine. First thing the next morning, I get a call back from a girl, voice sugar coated and dripping with honey, who explained to me that the situation was clearly my fault, because the PROCESS dictates that I should have received a confirmation.
The penny dropped. OF COURSE!! It was my fault because I didn’t understand Virgin Blue’s internal flight changing process. It’s not enough these days to merely tell a company what you want from them – these days, you need to understand their internal PROCESS.
To Virgin Blue’s credit, they did credit me with the cost of the flight, minus $15 for every subsequent flight that I would book with the credit. This, the girl explained to me, was not because Virgin thought they had done anything wrong, but as a gesture of goodwill.
Silver Service Taxis (by Shtine Time)
For a taxi, I was in need
To get to the airport with speed
Silver Service was looking
But they stuffed up my booking
Because f*ck ups are part of their creed
So, finally, I manage to book a new flight with Virgin leaving at 10:15 the next (Tuesday) morning. No dramas there, I thought, I’ll book a taxi to pick me up at 8:45. That should give me plenty of time to get to the airport.
Apparently not.
The taxi industry in Sydney is predicated on an inability to actually catch a taxi at a time when you’re likely to need to catch a taxi. These times include, but are not limited to:
- Getting to work
- Getting from work
- Trying to get home on a Friday or Saturday night
- New Years Eve
- When you need to catch a flight
or any other time when you could conceivably need a taxi.
As a general rule, taxis will always be available in a window between 5:16am and some other ungodly hour when you will never need a taxi. The system has never failed me at this time.
So, when I call back at 9:07am to check on where the taxi is, I’m not surprised to be told “5 more minutes”
And when I call back at 9:20 am to check on where the taxi is, I’m told “it’s on its way and should be there shortly”
Finally, I call back at 9:35. “Oh, I can see you’re waiting for a taxi. Can I please put you on hold?”
At this point, the receiver is inundated with porn music.
Chicka bow chicka wow wow.
“Your call is important to us and you have advanced in the queue. Please hold”
Wakka wakka wakka. Boom chicka bow … wakka wakka
Finally, a new, dopey voice comes on the line
DV (Dopey voice) - “Good morning, Silver Service, how may I help you?”
ST - “Um… I’m still waiting on a check for my taxi”
DV - “OK… oh, you’re still waiting for that taxi to the airport? OK… there should be one there in 5 minutes.”
ST - “Don’t bother … I’ve missed my flight.”
DV – “Oh. So, do you still want the booking, or should I cancel it?”
I felt like saying “What do you think?” but the very question is redundant. That’s the point. She’s not paid to think. She’s the paid representative voice of an organisation that couldn’t care less.
How do I know this?
This is a company so resigned to its own ineptitude that it’s willing to settle for “Silver” Service. Why be number 1 when you can settle for number 2? Gold Service? Gold is for losers who try too hard. Let’s be mediocre… and while we’re at it, let’s corner the incompetent market and start a spin off brand called “Bronze Plated Service”
Ticketek (by Shtine Time)
There once was a bloke named Fred
Who took a bad hit to his head
Once good with tools
Now he sits and he drools
And works in a Ticketek outlet
So, I give up on any ambitions of arriving in Melbourne before evening and head into the Sydney office. It’s hard to get too angry with the mouthpieces I’ve interacted with over the previous 24 hours – after all, they’re just doing their job. It’s far from their fault that the companies they work for choose to not empower their employees to use their brains.
These organisations are merely a symptom of the unfortunate, yet endemic consequences of a world that values process more than it values people. After all, Virgin Blue phone staff don’t make the ticketing rules and aren’t allowed to make the changes. Silver Service phone staff aren’t responsible for the appalling state of the taxi service in Sydney. They are merely actors in a far greater saga of clumsiness.
Where my patience begins to wear thin is when someone actually has a choice, between making my life easier or making it more difficult, and chooses the latter option for no other reason other than that they are clearly miserable about the fact that the highlight of their day is that they are given this choice in the first place.
Allow me to explain. A few months ago, I purchased tickets for a band called the Mars Volta (highly recommended if you’re into something a bit different). Late last year, the show was postponed and I receive an email saying:
"Existing tickets remain valid for the new concerts and do not need to be
exchanged. Simply rock up on the night and present your original ticket to
gain admittance.
Fans unable to attend the new concert dates in Sydney, Melbourne and Perth
can secure a refund from their original point of purchase."
With the concert being on Thursday night, I went into the Ticketek office to get my refund.
Old miserable lady (OML) – “This was announced late last year. You were meant to either take the new tickets or get a refund”
ST – “Yeah, I know. I’m here for the refund.”
OML – “Well, why has it taken you so long to come for the refund?”
ST – “Is that relevant? I can’t get to the new date and I want a refund”
OML - "Where did you get the tickets?"
ST - "Online or Elizabeth St, can't remember"
OML - "Well, you need to go back to the original point of purchase"
ST – “Are you really going to make me walk all the way across town just so I can get a refund?”
OML - "Let me check with my manager"
Here we go again. Another manager called because another foot solder didn’t have or wasn’t allowed to have the mental capacity for independent though. Now, her manager, who is sitting next to her, is also an old miserable lady, but, to paraphrase Hunter S. Thompson, she looks a lot more like what a ticketing lady would look like if the Nazis won the war.
At this point, the little Nazi commences her cross-examination of the witness.
OMNL (Old Miserable Nazi Lady) – “So, you can’t attend the show on Thursday night?”
ST – “No”
OMNL – “Do you mind if I ask you why not?”
ST – “(thinking yes, I do mind) I’m going to be in Melbourne”
OMNL – “Did you know that the show was cancelled?”
ST – “What, when it was postponed in November? Yes.”
OMNL – “When did you find out that you couldn’t attend? How come you’ve waited so long to cancel? You know, you’ve known about this for a very long time.”
ST – “You know what, you’re right. What I should do now is apologise for my terrible behaviour – after all, it’s me who’s inconvenienced you here. I didn’t mean to disturb you from sitting behind your booth all day – I’ll tell you what. As a gesture of my goodwill, I’ll let your company keep the money. That way, they’ll think you’re a model employee.”
Ok, we all know I didn’t say that. But, what possible answer could she have been expecting from me? What difference did any of this questioning make? Surely, it wasn’t written into Ticketek’s refund policy that in order to obtain a refund, the customer must be subjected to dumb and pointless questioning from a Nazi she-male in the hope that they get intimidated and walk away?
The point is that the Nazi chose to flex her muscles for no reason other than to try and annoy me. After all, she knew what I knew - were I not trying to get a refund, I could have cold blank refused to answer these questions. Where is the relevance? How could any answer to those questions led to me not getting the refund? Surely I could have answered "I now have plans to sit at home, turn on some dirty movies and have relations with myself on Thursday night" and they would have to give me the refund.
Finally, after waiting a few minutes, the Nazi puts on her most robotic voice and, through an anguished face and clenched teeth, spat "The money will be in your account within 48 hours." It actually physically hurt her to say it.
Salute to Customer Service, otherwise known as Dumb companies work in threes (by Shtine Time)
If you’re a dumb, bald, fat, ugly slob
And you find you’re in need of a job
Don’t feel alone
Just get on the phone
And go work for Ticketek, Silver Service or Virgin Blue. You’ll feel right at home.
Do you know what nemesis means?
Nemesis – “A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible c*nt... me.”
The beauty of a nemesis is its ability to extract the most rampant uncontrollable of human emotions – revenge.
In this instance though, my nemeses are companies. Companies with what amounts to, essentially, monopolies. Due to the nature of the industries within which they operate, these are companies that, through no choice of my own, I will be forced to do business with for the conceivable future. So, not only am I pissed off, but I can’t exact revenge through conventional means of not using their services in the future.
No, revenge will need to come in another form… poetry. And in honour of St Patrick’s Day coming up … limerick.
Virgin Blue (by Shtine Time)
An airline called Virgin Blue
Messed up my flight, it’s true
When I caused a spill
They offered goodwill
And to them, I say “F*CK YOU”
It must be bad karma to bag an airline whilst on one of their flights, but ShtineTime is now officially mobile.
Let me explain. On Sunday morning, I flew from Melbourne to Sydney. I had a return flight booked back to Melbourne on Monday morning, at 6am, but on account of the public holiday in Melbourne, I decided to spend Monday in Sydney, then return to Melbourne on Monday night.
It was 7am at Melbourne airport and I was being served by the lovely Vanessa. Virgin Blue have an unofficial policy of only hiring hot people – this would actually be an official policy, except they would no doubt get in too much trouble if they wrote it down anywhere. Instead, Virgin are happy to implement the policy for our aesthetic benefit and let’s face it, who am I to complain? Certainly, Vanessa was no exception to the policy.
One thing apparently missing in the policy is an assumption of competence.
Vanessa changed my flight to Monday evening and I was good to go.
Or so I thought.
See, it turns out that something went wrong. Somewhere between Vanessa telling me she’d changed my flight in the system and my next communication with Virgin on the phone at 4pm the next day, the change hadn’t gone through. I was classified as a “no-show” and had lost my flight.
I demanded to speak with someone who could deal with this and was presented with a very gay-sounding American. (Can you even say that these days? Mental note: write a blog discussing if one can use the expression “very gay-sounding American”) This guy was flaming.
So, the conversation goes as follows:
ST (Shtine Time) – “What are you going to do about this?”
(annoying American voice inflections are in bold)
VGSAPL (Very Gay Sounding American Phone Lackey) – “Well, I’m thorry, thir, but there’th not much we can do becauthe you’ve mithed your flight. The betht thing I can do ith to forward you to our ethca-lation department, where you can leave a methage. Al-ter-na-tive-ly, I can book you on another flight right now. What would you like to do?”
ST – (voice dripping with sarcasm) “Well, what I’d really like to do right now is leave a message on an answering machine. I mean, obviously, right now, I can think of no better way to resolve this than by talking to a machine. Can you?”
* Sound of brain breaking *
VGSAPL – “Tho, does that mean you want me to tranthfer you to our eth-ca-lation department?”
ST – “Can I ask you a question? Do you call yourselves Virgin because when you fuck your customers, it hurts like it hurt the first time?”
* Silence *
VGSAPL - “OK, I’ll forward you thir. Thankth for your call, have a good day.”
What’s more annoying? That the poor bastard on the other end of the line has done absolutely nothing to help me or that the band of misfits that he works for doesn’t give him the ability to?
As far as I could tell, this guy’s job is to be the person who the phone call is escalated to when pricks like me ring to complain. He doesn’t have the power to actually do anything – all his job description entails is receiving abuse, then forwarding people to an answering machine.
In the times of the Roman empire, his job would have been Christian.
“What do you do with yourself?”
“Oh, I’m a Christian. I spend most of my time getting thrown to the lions. It’s got some great perks – I get to spend my time outdoors, meet all sorts of interesting people…”
Anyways, I leave my message on the answering machine. First thing the next morning, I get a call back from a girl, voice sugar coated and dripping with honey, who explained to me that the situation was clearly my fault, because the PROCESS dictates that I should have received a confirmation.
The penny dropped. OF COURSE!! It was my fault because I didn’t understand Virgin Blue’s internal flight changing process. It’s not enough these days to merely tell a company what you want from them – these days, you need to understand their internal PROCESS.
To Virgin Blue’s credit, they did credit me with the cost of the flight, minus $15 for every subsequent flight that I would book with the credit. This, the girl explained to me, was not because Virgin thought they had done anything wrong, but as a gesture of goodwill.
Silver Service Taxis (by Shtine Time)
For a taxi, I was in need
To get to the airport with speed
Silver Service was looking
But they stuffed up my booking
Because f*ck ups are part of their creed
So, finally, I manage to book a new flight with Virgin leaving at 10:15 the next (Tuesday) morning. No dramas there, I thought, I’ll book a taxi to pick me up at 8:45. That should give me plenty of time to get to the airport.
Apparently not.
The taxi industry in Sydney is predicated on an inability to actually catch a taxi at a time when you’re likely to need to catch a taxi. These times include, but are not limited to:
- Getting to work
- Getting from work
- Trying to get home on a Friday or Saturday night
- New Years Eve
- When you need to catch a flight
or any other time when you could conceivably need a taxi.
As a general rule, taxis will always be available in a window between 5:16am and some other ungodly hour when you will never need a taxi. The system has never failed me at this time.
So, when I call back at 9:07am to check on where the taxi is, I’m not surprised to be told “5 more minutes”
And when I call back at 9:20 am to check on where the taxi is, I’m told “it’s on its way and should be there shortly”
Finally, I call back at 9:35. “Oh, I can see you’re waiting for a taxi. Can I please put you on hold?”
At this point, the receiver is inundated with porn music.
Chicka bow chicka wow wow.
“Your call is important to us and you have advanced in the queue. Please hold”
Wakka wakka wakka. Boom chicka bow … wakka wakka
Finally, a new, dopey voice comes on the line
DV (Dopey voice) - “Good morning, Silver Service, how may I help you?”
ST - “Um… I’m still waiting on a check for my taxi”
DV - “OK… oh, you’re still waiting for that taxi to the airport? OK… there should be one there in 5 minutes.”
ST - “Don’t bother … I’ve missed my flight.”
DV – “Oh. So, do you still want the booking, or should I cancel it?”
I felt like saying “What do you think?” but the very question is redundant. That’s the point. She’s not paid to think. She’s the paid representative voice of an organisation that couldn’t care less.
How do I know this?
This is a company so resigned to its own ineptitude that it’s willing to settle for “Silver” Service. Why be number 1 when you can settle for number 2? Gold Service? Gold is for losers who try too hard. Let’s be mediocre… and while we’re at it, let’s corner the incompetent market and start a spin off brand called “Bronze Plated Service”
Ticketek (by Shtine Time)
There once was a bloke named Fred
Who took a bad hit to his head
Once good with tools
Now he sits and he drools
And works in a Ticketek outlet
So, I give up on any ambitions of arriving in Melbourne before evening and head into the Sydney office. It’s hard to get too angry with the mouthpieces I’ve interacted with over the previous 24 hours – after all, they’re just doing their job. It’s far from their fault that the companies they work for choose to not empower their employees to use their brains.
These organisations are merely a symptom of the unfortunate, yet endemic consequences of a world that values process more than it values people. After all, Virgin Blue phone staff don’t make the ticketing rules and aren’t allowed to make the changes. Silver Service phone staff aren’t responsible for the appalling state of the taxi service in Sydney. They are merely actors in a far greater saga of clumsiness.
Where my patience begins to wear thin is when someone actually has a choice, between making my life easier or making it more difficult, and chooses the latter option for no other reason other than that they are clearly miserable about the fact that the highlight of their day is that they are given this choice in the first place.
Allow me to explain. A few months ago, I purchased tickets for a band called the Mars Volta (highly recommended if you’re into something a bit different). Late last year, the show was postponed and I receive an email saying:
"Existing tickets remain valid for the new concerts and do not need to be
exchanged. Simply rock up on the night and present your original ticket to
gain admittance.
Fans unable to attend the new concert dates in Sydney, Melbourne and Perth
can secure a refund from their original point of purchase."
With the concert being on Thursday night, I went into the Ticketek office to get my refund.
Old miserable lady (OML) – “This was announced late last year. You were meant to either take the new tickets or get a refund”
ST – “Yeah, I know. I’m here for the refund.”
OML – “Well, why has it taken you so long to come for the refund?”
ST – “Is that relevant? I can’t get to the new date and I want a refund”
OML - "Where did you get the tickets?"
ST - "Online or Elizabeth St, can't remember"
OML - "Well, you need to go back to the original point of purchase"
ST – “Are you really going to make me walk all the way across town just so I can get a refund?”
OML - "Let me check with my manager"
Here we go again. Another manager called because another foot solder didn’t have or wasn’t allowed to have the mental capacity for independent though. Now, her manager, who is sitting next to her, is also an old miserable lady, but, to paraphrase Hunter S. Thompson, she looks a lot more like what a ticketing lady would look like if the Nazis won the war.
At this point, the little Nazi commences her cross-examination of the witness.
OMNL (Old Miserable Nazi Lady) – “So, you can’t attend the show on Thursday night?”
ST – “No”
OMNL – “Do you mind if I ask you why not?”
ST – “(thinking yes, I do mind) I’m going to be in Melbourne”
OMNL – “Did you know that the show was cancelled?”
ST – “What, when it was postponed in November? Yes.”
OMNL – “When did you find out that you couldn’t attend? How come you’ve waited so long to cancel? You know, you’ve known about this for a very long time.”
ST – “You know what, you’re right. What I should do now is apologise for my terrible behaviour – after all, it’s me who’s inconvenienced you here. I didn’t mean to disturb you from sitting behind your booth all day – I’ll tell you what. As a gesture of my goodwill, I’ll let your company keep the money. That way, they’ll think you’re a model employee.”
Ok, we all know I didn’t say that. But, what possible answer could she have been expecting from me? What difference did any of this questioning make? Surely, it wasn’t written into Ticketek’s refund policy that in order to obtain a refund, the customer must be subjected to dumb and pointless questioning from a Nazi she-male in the hope that they get intimidated and walk away?
The point is that the Nazi chose to flex her muscles for no reason other than to try and annoy me. After all, she knew what I knew - were I not trying to get a refund, I could have cold blank refused to answer these questions. Where is the relevance? How could any answer to those questions led to me not getting the refund? Surely I could have answered "I now have plans to sit at home, turn on some dirty movies and have relations with myself on Thursday night" and they would have to give me the refund.
Finally, after waiting a few minutes, the Nazi puts on her most robotic voice and, through an anguished face and clenched teeth, spat "The money will be in your account within 48 hours." It actually physically hurt her to say it.
Salute to Customer Service, otherwise known as Dumb companies work in threes (by Shtine Time)
If you’re a dumb, bald, fat, ugly slob
And you find you’re in need of a job
Don’t feel alone
Just get on the phone
And go work for Ticketek, Silver Service or Virgin Blue. You’ll feel right at home.
posted by The Groin at 11:40 am
3 Comments:
Book a silver service cab from public phones every morning for the rest of the month using different names.
On your next flight with Virgin use the word "bomb" repeatedly during the flight indicating Virgin's lax security.
Call up the old nazi woman and tell her you had a bunch of 'special' tickets for 'special' children for the concert and now that it has been rescheduled you only recently became aware that Thursday night is arts and crafts night at the "special" home and you need to refund 120 tickets. The confusion and guilt combined should be a nice pay back for the old lampshade maker.
Is that enough? Can I have my chuppa chup now?
I want a chuppa chup too.
separately i'm sending you details of 2 drivers in Melbourne to use. I shall source sydney one for you too - haven't had much luck with them.
I think i bought my tickets through ticketek - but can't recall so i'm assuming your lady is new! Not important - the promoters tracked me down and offered me a full refund along with apology. The event: Spankrock@Metro in Sydney. 2 of the guy's didn't show up. Unavoidably detained by customs and missed QLD Big Day Out too. No warning to ticket holders. One small A4 page stuck on the wall beside the ticket box, out of sight, as you arrive. No verbal announcements were made on the night. The two dj's and one MC entertained me sufficiently, nonetheless I put my name down on the 'i was disappointed sheet' on the way out.
hmmm, virgin airlines. have flown them once. similar thoughts about recruitment policy but if it keeps the punters happy who cares - you think there would be enough good sorts to choose from though that come with the ability to follow through with requests. Poor Vanessa, life is a long and confusing road when you're a picnic short of a sandwich. Might as well cash in whilst she's young and we should leave her to it.
Looking forward to blog about fellow on telephone.
Nice suggestions up top. I think the Ticketek episode warrants the most restibution and so here are some more thoughts:
Being a resourceful chap, Shtine, you could acquire the home address and phone numbers for the Nazi Lady.
Get a pre-paid mobile from any operation not affiliated with the "Richard Branson's conglomerate for money making". (Your impact on Virgin's bottom dollar will be felt here in a similar manner to how the mass avoidance of OPEC's oil distributors really had an effect on lowering pertol prices... Not!))
Schedule calls to Silver Service on a daily basis at 4:55am (just before your morning runs) for a quick service emergency taxi ride to the airport using the Nazi Lady's details...
Send some unsigned letters to Nazi Lady from Virgin's STD Initiative (Special Ticketing Directorate) asking for a lead contact, such as herself, to help in establishing the STD Initiative via telephone (make this Silver Service's Gay American's contact details) for securing a multi-million dollar enterprise wide ticketing solution using appropriate lingo.
Is I a Chuppa Chup contenda???
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