Korporate Krap
"Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about about mission statements."
- Office Space, 1999.
I was asked once to participate in the writing of a mission statement for our department. I volunteered the following:
"Our mission is to proactively deliver professional resources and timely benefits and efficiently build sustainable solutions to exceed customer expectations"
My boss's reaction - "That's fantastic. How did you come up with that?"
My response...
Dilbert's Mission Statement Generator.
So, I've been in my job for over 1 year now, which I think counts as my longest ever relationship. Anyways, it's starting to feel a bit monotonous.
I'm wondering if monotony is hormonal.
It's the only logical explanation for why I experience monotony in a 5 day cycle. I'm starting to understand how women feel once a month.
"Look, I realise that what you're saying makes sense ... but it's just not part of the process."
The other day, I was in a meeting that involved "working through a process to deliver an artifact" (writing a document).
The person who owned the artifact (was responsible for writing the document) decided to interrupt the meeting to discuss that the process we had engaged to deliver the artifact was inefficient. (That it was taking too long to write the document)
Of course, the conversation took up the rest of the meeting (1 hour), as we discussed the pros and cons of the process. No doubt, had we spent the time actually writing the document instead of discussing how we should write it, we could have just finished it instead.
I guess the thing that annoys me about being process driven is that it removes a person's inability to think for themselves. After all, as long as you follow the process, you will arrive at a result.
This is true, but only if the process you create was correct in the first place.
For example, if you were to tell a process-driven person that the first thing they should do when they wake up in the morning is urinate, they would piss their beds because you didn't tell them that they had to stand up and walk to the bathroom.
How every day becomes a step in a process
I blame the process-driven nature of the corporate world for making my week so utterly predictable.
My weekdays inevitable start a little something like this.
9am (or thereabouts) - Step into the lift.
See someone I recognise who's name escapes me.
"How's it going?"
"Yeah, good. You?"
"Yeah good"
Conversation takes place, depending on what day it is.
Monday - "How was your weekend?"
Tuesday - "Can't believe it's only Tuesday."
Wednesday - "Good old Wednesday. Gotta love that hump day"
Thursday - "Thursday today. Not long now."
Friday - "TGIF. Got any plans for the weekend?"
9:05am - Make myself a bowl of cereal in the kitchen.
Inevitably, someone will walk into the kitchen, observe the situation and ask me
"Breakfast?"
Intended to be rhetorical, you're actually meant to answer that question, due to its role of being a filler of uncomfortable silence.
What is it about the corporate world that people seem to feel this need to make inane conversation, even if it involves stating something so obvious, that stating it is completely redundant?
I mean, would you ever go up to someone in a pub holding a beer and ask them if they were drinking a beer?
They'd answer - "Yeah, Tooheys New, thanks mate." The thought that you were asking someone if they were doing something that you were watching them do in front of you would never enter your mind anywhere else except in the corporate world.
Maybe that should be my response next time.
"Breakfast?"
"Sure, toast with peanut butter please, mate."
9:10am - Arrive at my desk.
Generally, I will have about 10 emails in my inbox on arriving to work.
Of these, 6 will be irrelevant, 3 will be a 'funny' (and I use the term loosely) joke or picture sent by a bored co-worker, and 1 will be porn-related.
I find it amazing the amount of time spent working on the text of emails that are NEVER read.
Minutes from a meeting that you attended but which was completely irrelevant to you and probably most people who attended.
Weekly newsletters.
Occupational health and safety updates.
The countless births, marriages and job changes of people who I will never meet.
This list expands exponentially if you include the documents that I will never read that are attached to emails that I will never read.
Is it any wonder that monotony is impossible to escape when the day starts like this?
Korporate Konversation
Why is it that people use (dare I say 'use' is too soft a word, and perhaps 'murder' might be more appropriate?) language in an office setting that they would NEVER use anywhere else?
The answer -
1. To hide that they don't know what they're talking about
2. To cover their ass
Example 1.
"We need to develop a strategy that matches our objectives, going forward."
This roughly translates into:
"I have no idea what I'm doing here, but hopefully noone else will notice"
Example 2.
(after I asked someone to do something)
"I will attempt to faciliate your request."
Note that nowhere here is there an indication that they will actually DO what I asked them to. This is substantiated by the fact that person has not actually DONE what I asked them to.
The bastardisation of language is invasive.
Problems become "Issues"
Problems you have no idea how to fix become "Risks"
Of course, you never actually fix a problem, you "resolve" it.
Something that makes sense is a "Synergy"
Things you need to do are "Actions"
When you are responsible for something you need to do, you are the "Owner"
When you're making sure that you've done the right thing, you're said to be "Ticking all the boxes"
When you're referring to all time after the moment I finish this sentence (assumed by any sentence in the future tense), you are "Going forward"
Barbeques become "Sausage sizzles"
Even humans become "Resources."
Nothing is safe. And all in the name of obfuscating the fact that the process-driven nature of the corporate world results in people who:
1. Don't know what they're talking about
2. Are covering their ass
Kovering your ass
I'd like to credit Johnsie for this section. Mostly because I don't honestly believe this next section is of very good quality. If it was, I wouldn't credit him.
Rule 1. If something is going to go wrong, you need to make sure that there is no way it can be tied back to you.
Rule 2. Always assume that something is going to go wrong.
This results in the situation that you will spend more time warning someone of the potential issues and risks (problems that you can fix or have no idea how to fix) in something that they want you to do, than you will in actually doing whatever it was that they wanted you to do.
Put it this way. If a mate called you up and said "Can you please cook me a steak?", you would ask "How would you like it done?" and then blast it so it was black on the outside and pink on the inside.
Simple, right?
Well, if someone in the office asked you "Can you please cook me a steak?", you would need to respond as follows:
I am not sure what you refer to when you say steak, as there are many different varieties of steak from many different animals. I will be working off the Assumption that when you say "steak", you are referring to Cow-based Meat Consumable. Under official corporate TLA policy (Three Letter Acronyms), Cow-base Meat Consumable will henceforth be referred to as CMC.
1. Cooking CMC is dependent on many variables upon which I have no control. Before I cook CMC, I will need to document these in an "Issue and Risk Log"
Issue and Risk Log
a) There are procurement issues, as the CMC supplier may not be able to supply us with the quantity of CMC required to fulfil your requirement
b) Furthermore, as the CMC supplier is a third party, there are no guarantees as to the quality of CMC available. This is a dependency.
c) Resources may not be available to cook the CMC.
d) There is a further dependency on equipment being available to actually cook the CMC. This is an issue, as we are not responsible for maintenance of CMC-cooking equipment. If the knifes are not sharp and the pans not well scrubbed, we may not be able to satisfactorily fulfil your requirement.
2. In line with our new Workflow, we will need to see a finalised and approved Implementation Plan, signed in triplicate by all stakeholders after an extensive review process.
3. Before we cook this CMC, we need to satisfy our Occupational Health and Safety requirements. I need you to confirm that you are not allergic to CMC and that you will floss immediately after consuming the CMC.
4. Finally, in order to cook this CMC, we will need to perform a full impact analysis of cooking this CMC. It is important for us to determine that consumption of CMC is within our corporate strategy objectives.
It is expected that we will be able to cook your CMC within 6 months for a total cost of $112,000. This is dependent upon all assumptions being met.
The Korporate Animal Kingdom
zoo n.
1. A park or an institution in which living animals are kept
2. Slang. A place or situation marked by confusion or disorder.
I often wonder when humanity decided that the future of our species was dependent on a zoo, complete with cubicle enclosures, 15 stories above the ground.
And just like the real zoo, I have my favourite animals.
I really like the persoanl assistant who sits on the phone all day.
I'm a fan of the English bloke who checks for soccer results 3 times an hour.
There's the group of girls in the corner who chat weddings and women's magazines.
If I had to pick a favourite?
It's the guy who is understandably cynical of the corporate world. He is so cynical, that he has printed up quotes from "The Office" (a British satire on corporate life) and pins pictures of its characters up in his cubicle. This guy sees the corporate world for what it is.
Yet, for some reason, the link completely fails to register in his mind that notwithstanding his acceptance of the bleak realities of the corporate world, he is still sitting in his cubicle. Which he has, no less, decorated with the realities of the corporate world.
Enlightenment leading to ... acceptance? Only in the corporate world.
- Office Space, 1999.
I was asked once to participate in the writing of a mission statement for our department. I volunteered the following:
"Our mission is to proactively deliver professional resources and timely benefits and efficiently build sustainable solutions to exceed customer expectations"
My boss's reaction - "That's fantastic. How did you come up with that?"
My response...
Dilbert's Mission Statement Generator.
So, I've been in my job for over 1 year now, which I think counts as my longest ever relationship. Anyways, it's starting to feel a bit monotonous.
I'm wondering if monotony is hormonal.
It's the only logical explanation for why I experience monotony in a 5 day cycle. I'm starting to understand how women feel once a month.
"Look, I realise that what you're saying makes sense ... but it's just not part of the process."
The other day, I was in a meeting that involved "working through a process to deliver an artifact" (writing a document).
The person who owned the artifact (was responsible for writing the document) decided to interrupt the meeting to discuss that the process we had engaged to deliver the artifact was inefficient. (That it was taking too long to write the document)
Of course, the conversation took up the rest of the meeting (1 hour), as we discussed the pros and cons of the process. No doubt, had we spent the time actually writing the document instead of discussing how we should write it, we could have just finished it instead.
I guess the thing that annoys me about being process driven is that it removes a person's inability to think for themselves. After all, as long as you follow the process, you will arrive at a result.
This is true, but only if the process you create was correct in the first place.
For example, if you were to tell a process-driven person that the first thing they should do when they wake up in the morning is urinate, they would piss their beds because you didn't tell them that they had to stand up and walk to the bathroom.
How every day becomes a step in a process
I blame the process-driven nature of the corporate world for making my week so utterly predictable.
My weekdays inevitable start a little something like this.
9am (or thereabouts) - Step into the lift.
See someone I recognise who's name escapes me.
"How's it going?"
"Yeah, good. You?"
"Yeah good"
Conversation takes place, depending on what day it is.
Monday - "How was your weekend?"
Tuesday - "Can't believe it's only Tuesday."
Wednesday - "Good old Wednesday. Gotta love that hump day"
Thursday - "Thursday today. Not long now."
Friday - "TGIF. Got any plans for the weekend?"
9:05am - Make myself a bowl of cereal in the kitchen.
Inevitably, someone will walk into the kitchen, observe the situation and ask me
"Breakfast?"
Intended to be rhetorical, you're actually meant to answer that question, due to its role of being a filler of uncomfortable silence.
What is it about the corporate world that people seem to feel this need to make inane conversation, even if it involves stating something so obvious, that stating it is completely redundant?
I mean, would you ever go up to someone in a pub holding a beer and ask them if they were drinking a beer?
They'd answer - "Yeah, Tooheys New, thanks mate." The thought that you were asking someone if they were doing something that you were watching them do in front of you would never enter your mind anywhere else except in the corporate world.
Maybe that should be my response next time.
"Breakfast?"
"Sure, toast with peanut butter please, mate."
9:10am - Arrive at my desk.
Generally, I will have about 10 emails in my inbox on arriving to work.
Of these, 6 will be irrelevant, 3 will be a 'funny' (and I use the term loosely) joke or picture sent by a bored co-worker, and 1 will be porn-related.
I find it amazing the amount of time spent working on the text of emails that are NEVER read.
Minutes from a meeting that you attended but which was completely irrelevant to you and probably most people who attended.
Weekly newsletters.
Occupational health and safety updates.
The countless births, marriages and job changes of people who I will never meet.
This list expands exponentially if you include the documents that I will never read that are attached to emails that I will never read.
Is it any wonder that monotony is impossible to escape when the day starts like this?
Korporate Konversation
Why is it that people use (dare I say 'use' is too soft a word, and perhaps 'murder' might be more appropriate?) language in an office setting that they would NEVER use anywhere else?
The answer -
1. To hide that they don't know what they're talking about
2. To cover their ass
Example 1.
"We need to develop a strategy that matches our objectives, going forward."
This roughly translates into:
"I have no idea what I'm doing here, but hopefully noone else will notice"
Example 2.
(after I asked someone to do something)
"I will attempt to faciliate your request."
Note that nowhere here is there an indication that they will actually DO what I asked them to. This is substantiated by the fact that person has not actually DONE what I asked them to.
The bastardisation of language is invasive.
Problems become "Issues"
Problems you have no idea how to fix become "Risks"
Of course, you never actually fix a problem, you "resolve" it.
Something that makes sense is a "Synergy"
Things you need to do are "Actions"
When you are responsible for something you need to do, you are the "Owner"
When you're making sure that you've done the right thing, you're said to be "Ticking all the boxes"
When you're referring to all time after the moment I finish this sentence (assumed by any sentence in the future tense), you are "Going forward"
Barbeques become "Sausage sizzles"
Even humans become "Resources."
Nothing is safe. And all in the name of obfuscating the fact that the process-driven nature of the corporate world results in people who:
1. Don't know what they're talking about
2. Are covering their ass
Kovering your ass
I'd like to credit Johnsie for this section. Mostly because I don't honestly believe this next section is of very good quality. If it was, I wouldn't credit him.
Rule 1. If something is going to go wrong, you need to make sure that there is no way it can be tied back to you.
Rule 2. Always assume that something is going to go wrong.
This results in the situation that you will spend more time warning someone of the potential issues and risks (problems that you can fix or have no idea how to fix) in something that they want you to do, than you will in actually doing whatever it was that they wanted you to do.
Put it this way. If a mate called you up and said "Can you please cook me a steak?", you would ask "How would you like it done?" and then blast it so it was black on the outside and pink on the inside.
Simple, right?
Well, if someone in the office asked you "Can you please cook me a steak?", you would need to respond as follows:
I am not sure what you refer to when you say steak, as there are many different varieties of steak from many different animals. I will be working off the Assumption that when you say "steak", you are referring to Cow-based Meat Consumable. Under official corporate TLA policy (Three Letter Acronyms), Cow-base Meat Consumable will henceforth be referred to as CMC.
1. Cooking CMC is dependent on many variables upon which I have no control. Before I cook CMC, I will need to document these in an "Issue and Risk Log"
Issue and Risk Log
a) There are procurement issues, as the CMC supplier may not be able to supply us with the quantity of CMC required to fulfil your requirement
b) Furthermore, as the CMC supplier is a third party, there are no guarantees as to the quality of CMC available. This is a dependency.
c) Resources may not be available to cook the CMC.
d) There is a further dependency on equipment being available to actually cook the CMC. This is an issue, as we are not responsible for maintenance of CMC-cooking equipment. If the knifes are not sharp and the pans not well scrubbed, we may not be able to satisfactorily fulfil your requirement.
2. In line with our new Workflow, we will need to see a finalised and approved Implementation Plan, signed in triplicate by all stakeholders after an extensive review process.
3. Before we cook this CMC, we need to satisfy our Occupational Health and Safety requirements. I need you to confirm that you are not allergic to CMC and that you will floss immediately after consuming the CMC.
4. Finally, in order to cook this CMC, we will need to perform a full impact analysis of cooking this CMC. It is important for us to determine that consumption of CMC is within our corporate strategy objectives.
It is expected that we will be able to cook your CMC within 6 months for a total cost of $112,000. This is dependent upon all assumptions being met.
The Korporate Animal Kingdom
zoo n.
1. A park or an institution in which living animals are kept
2. Slang. A place or situation marked by confusion or disorder.
I often wonder when humanity decided that the future of our species was dependent on a zoo, complete with cubicle enclosures, 15 stories above the ground.
And just like the real zoo, I have my favourite animals.
I really like the persoanl assistant who sits on the phone all day.
I'm a fan of the English bloke who checks for soccer results 3 times an hour.
There's the group of girls in the corner who chat weddings and women's magazines.
If I had to pick a favourite?
It's the guy who is understandably cynical of the corporate world. He is so cynical, that he has printed up quotes from "The Office" (a British satire on corporate life) and pins pictures of its characters up in his cubicle. This guy sees the corporate world for what it is.
Yet, for some reason, the link completely fails to register in his mind that notwithstanding his acceptance of the bleak realities of the corporate world, he is still sitting in his cubicle. Which he has, no less, decorated with the realities of the corporate world.
Enlightenment leading to ... acceptance? Only in the corporate world.
posted by The Groin at 10:43 am
4 Comments:
I agree Groin, Johnsie's part of the blog was crap.
How on earth did you manage to forget the non-practicing lawyer slumming in the business world (to irritate his grandmother) with a reputation as a superb diplomat i.e. managing to agree with everyone, to their face, and agree with anyone else about how crap they are at other times?
Of course, they usually really want to be musicians.
Now , in addition, I can recommend some good things for you. Along the lines of the mnission statement generator is an amazing site, that automatically generates randomized computer science literature papers. These things are fucken amazing - and completely random. One of the things this thing created was actually admitted as a paper for a conference in the states - and it's random. I put the name of one of the guys who works here on top of a creation, and my colleagues believed it was a real academic paper...
Also, for long winded meetings, I recommend you get a few people together and play bull shit bingo
That's the issue resolved, the risk mitigated, and we're looking far down the runway.
Couple of comments:
1. I can not believe grunners has established a relationship (of any type) lasting longer than a year.
2. It is amazing how the corporate monotony has huge similarities globaly (i work at a mexican korporate offic
3. Mate, how do u manage to follow the korporate processes. While at college (colorado) you could not even remember our doorm room door. That is you usualy slept any where you finded asylum.
cheers
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