How to for Girls and Boys - Volume 1
Somehow, our species has survived millions of years of emotional incompatability.
All too often (in fact, universally ... literally every relationship I've ever been in) I've been accused of not being in touch with my emotional side. I don't know how to "relate" to a girl.
Whereas, I always thought I knew how to "relate" to a girl. Apparently, a girl's definition of "relate" and my definition of "relate" are completely different.
This situation is exacerbated, because I work in a team full of girls, none of whom have patience in my abrupt nature and all of whom are susceptible to periodical emotional swings, often lasting days at a time, which incidentally seem to occur around the same time each month.
Anyways, the girls at work seem to have had a bit of an effect on me, so I'm publishing a preview of volume 1 of my love life guide for all the single people out there in the world. All care given, no responsibility taken.
Chapter 1 - Mark promised me (Laura) a date, but then never got back in touch
Mark,
Just so we're clear, I never thought it would work between yourself and myself - relationships precipitated by random pashes seldom do.
However, I am interested in knowing the cause of your lack in interest as I am gathering data for statistical purposes. I am writing a book called - "Men and why women would be better off as lesbians"
Please tell me why you didn't call me back after agreeing on Friday to a date with me
a) You met a girl last weekend. Did you sleep with her? I'll never forgive you if you slept with her.
b) You're trapped under heavy machinery, in which case, never fear - I will continue to care for you even if you have been horribly mutilated.
c) You're afraid of committment, yet can't reconcile this with the intensely strong and strange feelings you have for me
d) I made you realise you were gay.
Please don't hide in your emotional coccoon. You need to connect with me, Mark. Please get in touch soon.
Lovingly yours,
Laura.
- The important thing to remember here is that Mark IS actually waiting for your email. He's testing you and your resolve to see if you're the kind of person who has the character that he is looking for in his child bearer.
Chapter 2 - You are Mark and receive the email above.
What you should NEVER write back.
Laura,
How about option (e) None of the above?
I've felt really bad for not calling, but my grandmother's been ill all week and I'm been behind the 8-ball all day at work. I was literally about to call you when I got your email.
How about we meet up for dinner tonight? I know a great Italian place...
Mark xo
- This is a weak response. It shows that you have no strength of conviction and that all she has to do is send you a pitiful email for you buckle at the knees and come crawling.
2(b) - What you probably should write back
Laura,
Hey, you know those shits where you have a big fruit brekky with muesli and a large coffee before going to the train station and you just miss a train and you're sitting on the train platform for like 10 minutes needing to explode, trying to think of anything else, and the train finally comes and you're holding it and sweating and finally get to Town Hall and walk to work, struggling, and you walk in and drop your bag and try to run, but someone walks to talk to you and then finally you get to the bathroom and rip your pants down and let rip a massive explosion and it stings on the way out and you completely destroy the porcelain and stink out the room and come out covered in sweat?
Well, I had one of those this morning, but I'm fine now ... wanna meet up for a root tonight?
Mark.
- This response is 2 things: confident and honest, and we all know how much girls love confidence and honesty in a man.
CHAPTER 3 - Mark calls for a follow up date, only to be told by Laura "It's complicated"
Complicated means different things to different people and it's important here that Mark translate the situation correctly. Spoken by a girl, "Complicated" is girlspeak for "My wiring is incapable of handling this situation". From a guy, "Complicated" is more likely to mean "I'm seeing three girls this weekend and can't remember which one I had the booty call with last Saturday night." You'll notice that the Facebook phenomenon of the relationship status "It's Complicated" will never be mutually agreed to by a guy and a girl who are technically in "Complicated" situations with one another.
Mark should partly blame himself for all this, because it was unfair to assume that as far as girls go, there are emotionally stable girls in the stable. Laura will blame herself, because, let's face it, it's "Complicated".
The important thing here is to learn a valuable life lesson ... and lengthen your disclaimer. The reason disclaimers are so long is because lawyers learn from every bad experience and add another paragraph to the disclaimer.
In the laws of love, you need to do the same. My disclaimer now reads "yeah, from what I know of her, she's a cool chick but she's been in at least 2 prior relationships and could be related to one of my sister's friends. so I make no emotional stability guarantees"
Conclusion
Stay tuned for further Laura and Mark chapters, including:
I like you, but I can't stop flirting"
"The perils and pitfalls of double dating"
"Why blind dating should be exactly that... blind"
and more...
All too often (in fact, universally ... literally every relationship I've ever been in) I've been accused of not being in touch with my emotional side. I don't know how to "relate" to a girl.
Whereas, I always thought I knew how to "relate" to a girl. Apparently, a girl's definition of "relate" and my definition of "relate" are completely different.
This situation is exacerbated, because I work in a team full of girls, none of whom have patience in my abrupt nature and all of whom are susceptible to periodical emotional swings, often lasting days at a time, which incidentally seem to occur around the same time each month.
Anyways, the girls at work seem to have had a bit of an effect on me, so I'm publishing a preview of volume 1 of my love life guide for all the single people out there in the world. All care given, no responsibility taken.
Chapter 1 - Mark promised me (Laura) a date, but then never got back in touch
Mark,
Just so we're clear, I never thought it would work between yourself and myself - relationships precipitated by random pashes seldom do.
However, I am interested in knowing the cause of your lack in interest as I am gathering data for statistical purposes. I am writing a book called - "Men and why women would be better off as lesbians"
Please tell me why you didn't call me back after agreeing on Friday to a date with me
a) You met a girl last weekend. Did you sleep with her? I'll never forgive you if you slept with her.
b) You're trapped under heavy machinery, in which case, never fear - I will continue to care for you even if you have been horribly mutilated.
c) You're afraid of committment, yet can't reconcile this with the intensely strong and strange feelings you have for me
d) I made you realise you were gay.
Please don't hide in your emotional coccoon. You need to connect with me, Mark. Please get in touch soon.
Lovingly yours,
Laura.
- The important thing to remember here is that Mark IS actually waiting for your email. He's testing you and your resolve to see if you're the kind of person who has the character that he is looking for in his child bearer.
Chapter 2 - You are Mark and receive the email above.
What you should NEVER write back.
Laura,
How about option (e) None of the above?
I've felt really bad for not calling, but my grandmother's been ill all week and I'm been behind the 8-ball all day at work. I was literally about to call you when I got your email.
How about we meet up for dinner tonight? I know a great Italian place...
Mark xo
- This is a weak response. It shows that you have no strength of conviction and that all she has to do is send you a pitiful email for you buckle at the knees and come crawling.
2(b) - What you probably should write back
Laura,
Hey, you know those shits where you have a big fruit brekky with muesli and a large coffee before going to the train station and you just miss a train and you're sitting on the train platform for like 10 minutes needing to explode, trying to think of anything else, and the train finally comes and you're holding it and sweating and finally get to Town Hall and walk to work, struggling, and you walk in and drop your bag and try to run, but someone walks to talk to you and then finally you get to the bathroom and rip your pants down and let rip a massive explosion and it stings on the way out and you completely destroy the porcelain and stink out the room and come out covered in sweat?
Well, I had one of those this morning, but I'm fine now ... wanna meet up for a root tonight?
Mark.
- This response is 2 things: confident and honest, and we all know how much girls love confidence and honesty in a man.
CHAPTER 3 - Mark calls for a follow up date, only to be told by Laura "It's complicated"
Complicated means different things to different people and it's important here that Mark translate the situation correctly. Spoken by a girl, "Complicated" is girlspeak for "My wiring is incapable of handling this situation". From a guy, "Complicated" is more likely to mean "I'm seeing three girls this weekend and can't remember which one I had the booty call with last Saturday night." You'll notice that the Facebook phenomenon of the relationship status "It's Complicated" will never be mutually agreed to by a guy and a girl who are technically in "Complicated" situations with one another.
Mark should partly blame himself for all this, because it was unfair to assume that as far as girls go, there are emotionally stable girls in the stable. Laura will blame herself, because, let's face it, it's "Complicated".
The important thing here is to learn a valuable life lesson ... and lengthen your disclaimer. The reason disclaimers are so long is because lawyers learn from every bad experience and add another paragraph to the disclaimer.
In the laws of love, you need to do the same. My disclaimer now reads "yeah, from what I know of her, she's a cool chick but she's been in at least 2 prior relationships and could be related to one of my sister's friends. so I make no emotional stability guarantees"
Conclusion
Stay tuned for further Laura and Mark chapters, including:
I like you, but I can't stop flirting"
"The perils and pitfalls of double dating"
"Why blind dating should be exactly that... blind"
and more...
posted by The Groin at 5:20 pm
2 Comments:
Enjoyable and a somewhat instructive read. Keep up the good dialogue...
Actually you're full o' fit! But its funny and true!
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