Don't you know who I am?
Have you ever had one of those mornings where you woke up feeling disconnected from your entire body? Where you just didn't feel too good?
I'll give you an example. It's 7am, you've had 3 hours sleep, you've polished off enough rum and coke to match the sugar production of Queensland and the humous stains on the front of your shirt are drying nicely. Your alarm goes off and you're not exactly sure why.
It's Friday morning (again), which means that last night was Thursday night (again), which means that I'm dizzy and craving greasy food.
I decided this morning to put a more positive spin on these recurring incidents. Indulge me for a moment as we try to unravel the synergy of the Thursday night - Friday morning.
For those of you thinking "Shtine's become a bit of a wanker ever since he started this consulting gig," I'll define the word 'synergy' and then explain the context.
Synergy - a mutually advantageous conjunction of distinct elements.
The massive Thursday followed by painful Friday is clearly synergistic, as each brings its own unique advantages to the flow that is an average week in my life.
Massive Thursdays provide a necessary opportunity to unrelentingly release any emotional energy or stress, built up over the week, on an unprepared group of backpackers in the Bondi area.
Painful Fridays provides the perfect end to an imperfect week, effectively shortening the work week and lengthening the weekend by a day.
Synergy. (For more on the Thursday night - Friday morning relationship, click here)
To further explore other synergies that exist, I'd like to turn to the teachings of my learned brother, Jamaal.
The Book of Jamaal covers the Thursday night - Friday morning synergy by posing a question.
"Has anyone tried shaving after being really hungover and possibly still shmished?"
This is a "If a bear shits in the woods and no-one is around to hear it..." style of questioning. Deep, profound and full of shit.
The Book of Jamaal then goes on to attempt to answer the question, by saying "I can tell you my face looks like an army field hospital today."
I was lucky enough to bear witness to the culmination of Jamaal's lifetime worth of work - a new form of synergy that will transform the human culinary experience for generations to come.
Important to remember is the biblical setting of the synergy.
A night out with a group of boys at a steakhouse.
Once again, we see the synergy represent itself in the form of a question.
"Steak or ribs?"
For many generations, scholars have pondered this question only to wind up with a steak knife, no bib and a rack of ribs, or even worse, a bib, no steak knife and a bloody mass of meat in front of them.
With the wisdom of his forefathers, Jamaal synergistically (I've been waiting years to use this word in context. Such a great word. Repeat after me ... synergistically.) devours the dilemma faster than you can say "pepper sauce"
"The answer is simple. You will order the steak. I will order the ribs. You will cut the steak. I will cut the ribs. I will choose the piece of steak. You will choose the serving of ribs. We will each have french fries AND a baked potato."
Synergy. The Yin meets the Yang, life balances and all is beautiful.
But sometimes, life doesn't balance. Sometimes, life isn't beautiful.
Sometimes, the Yin won't meet the Yang.
Sometimes, if you quote Yin and Yang in a university paper, a professor will give you a mark of 35% with the feedback "more smarter writing" and question the use of the terms "Yin" and "Yang", saying "they should have been listed as references in the bibliography (a list of the books used as reference material)." Some lecturers will admit they have "no idea" what the terms mean and assumed they were references to people's names. [see more]
I quote the above story because it's a good read.
Why?
Because we relate to it.
Why?
Because, often in life, for inexplicable reasons, we find ourselves in the position where we have an antagonist. We become answerable to someone in a position of authority who is any of the following (choose the words that relate to your predicament) - dumber, slower, uglier, smellier, more idiotic, more imbecilic, fatter, skinnier, taller, shorter, of uncertain sexual disposition, an alcoholic, a drug user, a snob (really hate these ones), a patroniser, a womaniser or an all around BIATCH! And all of them have no idea whatsoever.
When we encounter these people, and we've all encountered these people, they tend to project their own insecurities onto us and usually this is because they're in a position to do so. Often it is incomprehensible that they were able to get into the position whereby you become answerable to them. And always are they the same people who had their heads flushed down the toilet in primary school.
Gregory
I've sought advice over this next paragraph, and most people have warned me to be careful in publishing this. This is one of those pieces of writing that you hear about in the news. Usually, the headlines start "Man fired for writing about his boss in a blog". So, I've thought about it and weighed up the consequences. It would be hypocritical of me to disagree with the majority stance of not publishing the Danish cartoons if I wasn't prepared to write about something I strongly believed in, even with the risk of adverse reaction. And at the end of the day, I reckon this bloke's a dick and needs to be exposed. And what better place to expose dicks than on the Groin's Grab?
Gregory. There's the 1st giveaway. When someone has a name that lends itself to an obvious abbreviation and they insist on you calling them by their extended name, it smacks of purported intellectual snobbery and superiority. The relationship between snobbiness and pretentiousness is direct. It took me a week to realise that intellectual snobbery is no substitute for intellect itself. So, what does someone do when challenged by an 'inferior'? Easy. When challenged by an inferior, always reinforce that person's inferiority. Do it successfully and two things will happen.
1. You will start to believe it.
2. They will start to believe it and behave accordingly.
It's phychological bullying done from a perceived (by both parties to the bullying) height. And as we all know, all bullies are trying to do is project their insecurities onto other people. And it's all done in a Canadian accent, which is close enough to an American accent and as we all know from the movie Office Space, there's nothing worse than copping it from above in an annoying North American accent, m'kay?
Example 1
"Yes?"
"I've just come up to see the outcome of that sales presentation I worked on"
"Oh, well, as general feedback, don't."
Example 2
Having just worked a 60 hour week, receiving an email that began "Between you and me, you need some help" (his emphasis, not mine) He concludes the email with "These are examples from some past work I've been involved in. Please study them and then schedule 30 minutes with me in a couple of weeks to discuss your observations." 30 minutes? How about 10 rounds of 3, out in the alley behind work, right now, biatch!
The way this guy talks is obtuse. You never get a document, you "collate and distil information". You never fire employees, you "undergo a process of resource liberation" This guy is a seagull. He shits on you from above and then flies off leaving you to clean up the mess.
So, what do you do with people like this? Well, something that worked well for me at a former place of employment was to create a hotmail account in the person's name. Then I found out a few tidbits of personal information - like his wife's name, his address and his home phone number. Then I entered into conversation with a Nigerian email scammer. Nothing too serious of course, more of a "here's my home number, give me a call at 3am our time" Revenge is a dish best served when the recipient has no idea where it's coming from. Which leads me to my next group of sociopaths.
Bouncers.
Most bouncers actually break the rule on having had their heads flushed down the toilet. If anything, they were the one's doing the flushing.
How many dumb bouncers are there out there? More to the point, how many thoroughly frustrating bouncers are there out there?
There was the bouncer who wouldn't let me into an empty bar because I was wearing 3/4 pants and he said they were shorts.
There was the bouncer at Forster RSL who wouldn't let us in because my "shorts were frayed", even though the next group had frayed shorts, whereas in reality he was too polite to say "because you're from the city and you drink lattes and this is the one time when I get to make you my inferior."
The countless bouncers who haven't liked my shoes has left me with a complex. One time I did say "If the purpose of a shoe policy is to filter the classy people through the door, why don't you look at the post code on my drivers license" but that didn't really get me too far.
The bouncer who kicked my mate out of the Bondi Hotel (and let's face it, you have to be catatonic to get kicked out of the Bondi Hotel) because he blinked for too long and was deemed to be asleep and therefore too drunk to stay.
Lately, I've started noticing bouncers engaging in race relations. Watch this sometime at places like Cargo Bar. If anyone of the dreaded demographic group with a "middle-eastern appearance" makes it to the front of the line, all of a sudden, the bar will have a guest list.
I got stopped the other night in Kings Cross at the door.
"Where are you coming from?"
My answer - "Bondi Beach."
"Nah, I meant, where've you been drinking"
There is only one correct answer to this question.
"Oh, just had a glass of wine with dinner."
As it turns out, the photo has rubbed off my ID to the point where it is unrecognisable. Not that it's an issue surely - a quick glance at my chest will prove that I'm older than 17. Still, always an issue for the dumbasses that adorn the front of most houses of drink in this city.
"Mate, I can't let you in with this. Do you have anything else?"
At this point, there's an answer that always works as well.
"Just 3 credit cards."
Why do bouncers feel the need to assert their superiority? Why do bar owners let them? When did it become good business to turn customers away? When did it become a race to see who could be the trendiest bar that went out of business first?
OK, done with bouncers - which antagonist group shall I attack now?
University lecurers? Bunch of socialists too inept to put their theories into practice
Politicians? Bunch of back scratchers who already receive more publicity than they deserve.
Taxi drivers at 3am who refuse to pick you up?
Nah. None of them.
I'm too good for all of that.
I'll give you an example. It's 7am, you've had 3 hours sleep, you've polished off enough rum and coke to match the sugar production of Queensland and the humous stains on the front of your shirt are drying nicely. Your alarm goes off and you're not exactly sure why.
It's Friday morning (again), which means that last night was Thursday night (again), which means that I'm dizzy and craving greasy food.
I decided this morning to put a more positive spin on these recurring incidents. Indulge me for a moment as we try to unravel the synergy of the Thursday night - Friday morning.
For those of you thinking "Shtine's become a bit of a wanker ever since he started this consulting gig," I'll define the word 'synergy' and then explain the context.
Synergy - a mutually advantageous conjunction of distinct elements.
The massive Thursday followed by painful Friday is clearly synergistic, as each brings its own unique advantages to the flow that is an average week in my life.
Massive Thursdays provide a necessary opportunity to unrelentingly release any emotional energy or stress, built up over the week, on an unprepared group of backpackers in the Bondi area.
Painful Fridays provides the perfect end to an imperfect week, effectively shortening the work week and lengthening the weekend by a day.
Synergy. (For more on the Thursday night - Friday morning relationship, click here)
To further explore other synergies that exist, I'd like to turn to the teachings of my learned brother, Jamaal.
The Book of Jamaal covers the Thursday night - Friday morning synergy by posing a question.
"Has anyone tried shaving after being really hungover and possibly still shmished?"
This is a "If a bear shits in the woods and no-one is around to hear it..." style of questioning. Deep, profound and full of shit.
The Book of Jamaal then goes on to attempt to answer the question, by saying "I can tell you my face looks like an army field hospital today."
I was lucky enough to bear witness to the culmination of Jamaal's lifetime worth of work - a new form of synergy that will transform the human culinary experience for generations to come.
Important to remember is the biblical setting of the synergy.
A night out with a group of boys at a steakhouse.
Once again, we see the synergy represent itself in the form of a question.
"Steak or ribs?"
For many generations, scholars have pondered this question only to wind up with a steak knife, no bib and a rack of ribs, or even worse, a bib, no steak knife and a bloody mass of meat in front of them.
With the wisdom of his forefathers, Jamaal synergistically (I've been waiting years to use this word in context. Such a great word. Repeat after me ... synergistically.) devours the dilemma faster than you can say "pepper sauce"
"The answer is simple. You will order the steak. I will order the ribs. You will cut the steak. I will cut the ribs. I will choose the piece of steak. You will choose the serving of ribs. We will each have french fries AND a baked potato."
Synergy. The Yin meets the Yang, life balances and all is beautiful.
But sometimes, life doesn't balance. Sometimes, life isn't beautiful.
Sometimes, the Yin won't meet the Yang.
Sometimes, if you quote Yin and Yang in a university paper, a professor will give you a mark of 35% with the feedback "more smarter writing" and question the use of the terms "Yin" and "Yang", saying "they should have been listed as references in the bibliography (a list of the books used as reference material)." Some lecturers will admit they have "no idea" what the terms mean and assumed they were references to people's names. [see more]
I quote the above story because it's a good read.
Why?
Because we relate to it.
Why?
Because, often in life, for inexplicable reasons, we find ourselves in the position where we have an antagonist. We become answerable to someone in a position of authority who is any of the following (choose the words that relate to your predicament) - dumber, slower, uglier, smellier, more idiotic, more imbecilic, fatter, skinnier, taller, shorter, of uncertain sexual disposition, an alcoholic, a drug user, a snob (really hate these ones), a patroniser, a womaniser or an all around BIATCH! And all of them have no idea whatsoever.
When we encounter these people, and we've all encountered these people, they tend to project their own insecurities onto us and usually this is because they're in a position to do so. Often it is incomprehensible that they were able to get into the position whereby you become answerable to them. And always are they the same people who had their heads flushed down the toilet in primary school.
Gregory
I've sought advice over this next paragraph, and most people have warned me to be careful in publishing this. This is one of those pieces of writing that you hear about in the news. Usually, the headlines start "Man fired for writing about his boss in a blog". So, I've thought about it and weighed up the consequences. It would be hypocritical of me to disagree with the majority stance of not publishing the Danish cartoons if I wasn't prepared to write about something I strongly believed in, even with the risk of adverse reaction. And at the end of the day, I reckon this bloke's a dick and needs to be exposed. And what better place to expose dicks than on the Groin's Grab?
Gregory. There's the 1st giveaway. When someone has a name that lends itself to an obvious abbreviation and they insist on you calling them by their extended name, it smacks of purported intellectual snobbery and superiority. The relationship between snobbiness and pretentiousness is direct. It took me a week to realise that intellectual snobbery is no substitute for intellect itself. So, what does someone do when challenged by an 'inferior'? Easy. When challenged by an inferior, always reinforce that person's inferiority. Do it successfully and two things will happen.
1. You will start to believe it.
2. They will start to believe it and behave accordingly.
It's phychological bullying done from a perceived (by both parties to the bullying) height. And as we all know, all bullies are trying to do is project their insecurities onto other people. And it's all done in a Canadian accent, which is close enough to an American accent and as we all know from the movie Office Space, there's nothing worse than copping it from above in an annoying North American accent, m'kay?
Example 1
"Yes?"
"I've just come up to see the outcome of that sales presentation I worked on"
"Oh, well, as general feedback, don't."
Example 2
Having just worked a 60 hour week, receiving an email that began "Between you and me, you need some help" (his emphasis, not mine) He concludes the email with "These are examples from some past work I've been involved in. Please study them and then schedule 30 minutes with me in a couple of weeks to discuss your observations." 30 minutes? How about 10 rounds of 3, out in the alley behind work, right now, biatch!
The way this guy talks is obtuse. You never get a document, you "collate and distil information". You never fire employees, you "undergo a process of resource liberation" This guy is a seagull. He shits on you from above and then flies off leaving you to clean up the mess.
So, what do you do with people like this? Well, something that worked well for me at a former place of employment was to create a hotmail account in the person's name. Then I found out a few tidbits of personal information - like his wife's name, his address and his home phone number. Then I entered into conversation with a Nigerian email scammer. Nothing too serious of course, more of a "here's my home number, give me a call at 3am our time" Revenge is a dish best served when the recipient has no idea where it's coming from. Which leads me to my next group of sociopaths.
Bouncers.
Most bouncers actually break the rule on having had their heads flushed down the toilet. If anything, they were the one's doing the flushing.
How many dumb bouncers are there out there? More to the point, how many thoroughly frustrating bouncers are there out there?
There was the bouncer who wouldn't let me into an empty bar because I was wearing 3/4 pants and he said they were shorts.
There was the bouncer at Forster RSL who wouldn't let us in because my "shorts were frayed", even though the next group had frayed shorts, whereas in reality he was too polite to say "because you're from the city and you drink lattes and this is the one time when I get to make you my inferior."
The countless bouncers who haven't liked my shoes has left me with a complex. One time I did say "If the purpose of a shoe policy is to filter the classy people through the door, why don't you look at the post code on my drivers license" but that didn't really get me too far.
The bouncer who kicked my mate out of the Bondi Hotel (and let's face it, you have to be catatonic to get kicked out of the Bondi Hotel) because he blinked for too long and was deemed to be asleep and therefore too drunk to stay.
Lately, I've started noticing bouncers engaging in race relations. Watch this sometime at places like Cargo Bar. If anyone of the dreaded demographic group with a "middle-eastern appearance" makes it to the front of the line, all of a sudden, the bar will have a guest list.
I got stopped the other night in Kings Cross at the door.
"Where are you coming from?"
My answer - "Bondi Beach."
"Nah, I meant, where've you been drinking"
There is only one correct answer to this question.
"Oh, just had a glass of wine with dinner."
As it turns out, the photo has rubbed off my ID to the point where it is unrecognisable. Not that it's an issue surely - a quick glance at my chest will prove that I'm older than 17. Still, always an issue for the dumbasses that adorn the front of most houses of drink in this city.
"Mate, I can't let you in with this. Do you have anything else?"
At this point, there's an answer that always works as well.
"Just 3 credit cards."
Why do bouncers feel the need to assert their superiority? Why do bar owners let them? When did it become good business to turn customers away? When did it become a race to see who could be the trendiest bar that went out of business first?
OK, done with bouncers - which antagonist group shall I attack now?
University lecurers? Bunch of socialists too inept to put their theories into practice
Politicians? Bunch of back scratchers who already receive more publicity than they deserve.
Taxi drivers at 3am who refuse to pick you up?
Nah. None of them.
I'm too good for all of that.
posted by The Groin at 3:54 pm
2 comments
