Monday, January 17, 2005

What would you like to shoot today, sir?

Question.

Would you trust a plane that looked like this?

I mean, surely the only reason you would paint a plane this colour is to make it easier to search for. And what else are mates for, other than parting advice of, "If the propellors stop, remember when you climb out onto the wing to rotate them clockwise."

And as the plane landed in Bangkok International - and by landed, I mean it hovered over the runway at an alarming speed, bounced off the left tyres 3 times, the right tyres twice, the left again before settling into a fishtail across the runway - I said goodbye to 3 most memorable weeks in Laos and Cambodia to begin my journey back home.

So, what exactly am I saying goodbye to?

They call New York the city that never sleeps. Well, Cambodia and Laos never sleep when I'm trying to. I think these are the only places on earth where people wake up the roosters. Well before the crack of dawn, Phnom Penh drowns in a chorus of motorcycle engines and
construction work. These are usually followed by a couple of confused crows by roosters, no doubt intent on complaining to their union about demarcation.

This also means that the night life in Phnom Penh is fairly underground, making it an extremely scary city to walk around in after dark. Picture this scene - you're walking down a paved road lined with slummy apartment blocks at night. Then, you turn into a dirt road, lined with mansions that are fenced in by massive compound walls and barbed wire. There is not a single street light, no noise, no cars on the road, no cars parked by the side of the road and no people. Now, imagine that you've had a couple of beers, you've taken a wrong turn and you end up at a massive roundabout that heads off in 12 different directions, you remember that your place is near a photo shop, but every store is closed and they all look the same from the outside anyways ... and you are the only thing moving and making sound. Kind of makes you wish for the roosters and the motorcycles.

Speaking of motorcycles, once again words cannot do justice to the mayhem that is traffic in Phnom Penh. After a while, you actually get used to the 4 lanes of traffic. These include the 2 lanes that are driving in the right direction and 2 lanes on the outside going the wrong direction, but which are trying to cut through oncoming traffic to get to the other side of the road.

And just quickly, speaking of traffic, I'd personally like to thank the NSW Infringements Bureau. Having received a parking ticket just before leaving Australia, I took the infringement notice with me so I could pay it on the internet. Let's just say that it came in extremely handy when I received a bout of traveller's diahorrea and had no toilet paper available.

And speaking of toilets, let's talk about the French.

The French have left a lasting colonial impression across Asia. These include French style mansions and coffee houses and one can sit by the river in Phnom Penh wearing a safari suit and drinking beer and coffee all afternoon. My favourite legacy from the French, however, is the "bun gun", a high powered spray found in Asian bathrooms that serves as a hand-held bidet.

So, what do I think of Cambodians?

Cambodians are a highly flexible group of people. We had been told of an 'underground' shooting range that existed in Phnom Penh, full of excess army stock and our guide, Easy Tiger, took us there one morning. We arrived, not at an 'underground' shooting range, but at an active army base. Slipping the guards a little green piece of paper that read "In God We Trust", we found ourselves inside a Cambodian army base, with access to whatever weaponry we desired. We were greeted by a host, who asked us to take a seat, producing some menus. I'd already eaten breakfast and wasn't hungry, but then realised that this menu was slightly different to any other I'd seen. It read as follows.

AK-47 (Russian) - 30 bullets
M-16 (American) - 30 bullets
M-60 (American) - 100 bullets

And so on. Also available on request were grenades, rocket launchers, anti-aircraft missiles and (for the real sickos) a live cow.

Cambodians are an extremely friendly group of people. One afternoon, I challenged some locals to a game of chess in a park - little did I know that the Cambodians play with completely different rules and moves. However, with a bit of help from a mobile phone call, I took advantage of my distracted opponent and seized the game. He turned out to be a Tuk-tuk driver, who, on losing, became my driver for the rest of the afternoon.

Cambodians are a resilient group of people. As a country, they are beginning to recover from the Khmer Rouge regime, or at least, on the surface. Having seen first-hand the prisons and killing fields of the Khmer Rouge, I was repulsed, hearing how Pol Pot poisened the minds of children against their families, emptied the cities, and drove everyone out into the fields to work. The Khmer Rouge regime killed anyone with an education (having first tortured them for a 'confession', using such techniques as tying their hands down, ripping their fingernails out with pliers and then pouring alcohol on the wounds). The killings were done in fields and to save on bullets, the Khmer Rouge used to bash their victims in the head with gun butts.

Cambodians are an extremely proud and nationalistic group of people. In this context, I met an amazing person. In the massive marketplace at Phnom Penh, there is a Cambodian equivalent of a Food Court. Don't imagine Boost Juice, sushi and sandwiches, however, think more of a cross between an abattoir and Chinatown. Anyways, tucked into the corner of these markets was a coffee shop. I sat down to get an ice coffee and started chatting to the owner. He explained the whole process of how he makes his coffee and how fresh his beans are and all of a sudden, the conversation turns to Cambodian history.

This man started to tell me about the history of Cambodia, a story about what 800 years ago was a massive empire, but whose modern history includes being involved in a political tug of war between Thailand and Vietnam, becoming a French protectorate but having little to no social support from the French, becoming a battlefield for the Cold War and one of the most heavily land-mined areas on the planet, having 5 years of civil war finally followed by 5 years of Khmer Rouge rule, which left 2 million Cambodians dead.

At this point, the friendly coffee shop man nearly broke down and started crying. It occurred to me that he would have lived from the French colony period onwards, throughout Civil War, throughout Khmer Rouge atrocities, and here he was, a coffee shop owner, proud of his
coffee shop and proud of his country.

At the end of our conversation, he took out a 100 Riel note (about 2.5 cents) and ripped it in half. On one half he wrote his name and gave it to me and I reciprocated. My cup of coffee turned into an extremely humbling and eye-opening experience.

So, I met a lot of amazing people in Cambodia. Unfortunately, I met a lot of wankers as well, except the wankers seemed to all be Westerners. This next piece might sound a bit aggressive, but I've never met so many annoying travellers in such a short space of time.

Dumb Dave - This guy was the stereotypical whinging pom. He would make outlandish statements, such as "The women in this country don't go out - they stay at home, while the men go out. We should have that back home - that way, there would be less problems." and "The only contribution the Irish made to this world is potatoes". Dumb Dave hated everything about Cambodia - he hated the people, he hated the food, he couldn't stand the place. This was why we couldn't figure out why he was looking for a permanent job in Phnom Penh. Which he was having trouble with because "Everyone wants me to get up so early for interviews - 10am, what's that all about? I go out at night and get drunk - how do they expect me to get up before midday?" It'd be funny if he wasn't so serious.

Patty and Selma - These 2 full bodied, chain smokers were a Dutch equivalent of Marge's sisters from the Simpsons, basically minus the blue hair and the pet iguana. They jumped into our Tuk tuk unannounced, then on arrival at our accomodation, insisted that Rob and myself share a double bed while they take the twin because "We are not a couple ... she snores" (you've got to actually hear it and see them to understand just how gratingly annoying these women were). The irony was not lost when we bumped into them at the next town we visited and they were looking for accomodation ... Rob and I quickly offered them the spare double bed at our guesthouse.

The Rooster - A girl from Newcastle, who was constantly drunk and constantly falling on top of you and announcing how drunk she was. Worse still, she was one of those "Because I'm Australian, I went out with other Aussies and because I'm an Aussie, I had to have a drink
with them". Funny how I didn't feel inclined to have a drink with her. The worst part was, she talked to our group of 4 Aussies as though we weren't Aussie, not that she actually asked where we were from, she was too busy telling us how drunk she was. We nicknamed her "The Rooster" because a rooster is loud and annoying at the wrong time of the day.

The Reality TV Show Tour Group - We only caught these guys at the end of their tour, but somehow they had had such a bad day, they turned against each other. Faced with the opportunity to explore a beautiful limestone cave on a tube in (admittedly freezing) water, we caught the following comments. From an Aussie girl - "We've seen caves all day, I just want to go home". From and English guy - "How do you expect us to go in there? We're not the SAS". The only thing this group lacked was home viewers to see who was going to get voted off.

I don't know where these people come from, or why they bother to go travelling, but wankers aside, Laos was an incredible experience. A country I never intended to visit at the start of my trip, Laos was a gem. Containing spectacular views of gorgeous mountains and merging rivers, Laos was a stereotypically beautiful Asian countryside. It's possibly the most chilled out country on earth, which is pretty amazing, considering it is also supposedly the most bombed country on
earth, thanks to some US carpet bombing post Vietnam.

Highlights included a bus trip from Vang Vieng (affectionately nicknamed "Bang Bang" by our crew) to Luang Prabang (equally affectionately nicknamed "Gang Bang"), where the driver managed to negotiate a series of switchbacks and hills by throwing the bus around at high speeds whilst completely burning out the brakes.

Our group went tubing down the Han Song river, which turned out to be the most painful experience of my trip. Throughout the course of the 4 hour trip, I managed to completely smash my tailbone against some rocks. As a result, it hurts to sit down, which made the bumpy 6 hour
bus ride all the more enjoyable. Additional injuries include rope burn, muscle soreness and cuts from jumping off cliffs, swinging off ropes and climbing bamboo ladders. These may also be slightly attributed to all the longneck bottles we consumed on the way down the river.

On my final morning in Gang Bang, we woke up before the roosters and motorcycles to watch what is essentially a monk ticker tape parade - at dawn, all the monks in the city (about 400) walk in procession through the streets of the city while the locals place food in their urns - an extremely spiritual and unnecessarily early start to the day - and as always, the natural habitat for the endangered Western tourist, who for some reason thought that the monks would enjoy having SLR cameras shoved in their faces at 6am.

And that was Asia. Khawp jai lai lai for a great trip and stay tuned for "Adventures of some guy who has a full time job and a routine"

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Cambodia - it's Phnomenal

There are many titles that I could have givenh this piece of writing, but I believe that this one best sumhs up this Phnomenal country.

It's tricky to explainh - something about the combinationh of the extreme warmth of a very troubled people, the hectic nature of the city streets, the rich history and culture and a solid amount of some kind of herb that looks a bit like basil.

Anyways, here are some of the titles of this email that I rejected, that I feel give more of an idea about this country.

Cambodia - Welcome to TempleTownh.

Angkor Wat. Imagine some of the world's best preserved ruins, dating between 800 and 1200 AD. Picture, if you can, the dominating structures of a series of 5 towers built on top of another series of structures, with a kilometre of carvings twice the height of a normal humanh wrapped around the outside of the building that detail the history and culture of an extraordinary group of people that dragged the stones from kilometres away, all in the name of satisfying the ego
of a megalomaniac king.

Now, imagine several of these temples in an immediate radius, each bigger and better than its predecessors.

Now, imagine these temples being run by Disney.

Once againh, my quest for Indiana Jones style scenes from around the world (and in this case, the set for Tomb Raider) has brought me face to face with the most wretched of native species.

No, not the bed bug.

Once againh, I have been brought face to face with the endangered Westernh tourist. Armed with digital cameras, camcorders and tripods, this breathing cacophony of clicks, buzzes, flashes and the like gradually descend on this remote forest for sunrise.

Not satisfied with breaking the peace, the endangered Westernh tourist feels an uncanny need to touch absolutely anything in its path. Fingering 1000 year old carvings, clambouring over elaborately constructed columns, the endangered Western tourist will stop at absolutely nothing to get the perfect photo.

Easily spotted by its mating call - "Excuse me ... could you please take a photo", they can often be seen gathering in large numbers to create a dinh at the most serene times of the day.

The temples themselves are breathtaking and probably the best preserved that I have experienced. They are a complete occupational health and safety risk - for some reasonh, the Cambodianh authorities have no problem with tourists climbing steps 5cm wide, maximumh, with a vertical step of just over a foot, up to heights of 20 metres, with no railings and no order as to who goes up and who comes downh. Crowds gather at the bottomh of these temples, cameras poised, at the odd chance that someone slips and falls.



Cambodia - Try the Soup

For a country that warns at the border of exterminationh in the event of possession of illegal drugs, everyone seems to possess copious amounts of a certain greenh herb.

And they put it in everything.

Soup. Fruit juice. Milkshakes.

So here's a tip. Beware ordering any food with the prenounh "Happy", for you will be unable to converse in a normal plainh for several (for me, about 8) hours.

And just a tip - next time you do try one of the "Happy" Shakes, do NOT under any circumstances bargainh a motorcyclist to take you into townh, for they will surely be the fastest vehicle on the (extremely hilly and potholed) road.

Cambodia - The House that Marxism built

The history of this country still hurts Cambodians, who I have found to be an extremely proud race of people. Notwithstanding the extremely visible effects of land mines, the psychological scarring of this country is evident. Pnomh Penh, the capital, is developing, but extremely disfunctional - the bus station is non existent, but rather a small parking spot at a petrol station in the centre of town, which is a marketplace. This is no doubt a direct result of the Khmer Rouge having banned commerce, the currency and having murdered the educated class. I will be able to comment more on this over the next couple of days as I see the killing fields and the prisons of the Khmer Rouge. The agrarian class that Pol Pot dreamt of is toiling the land, living
in absolute poverty under thatched roofs with mud floors. Given its turbulent history, Cambodians truly are an amazing group of people.

Cambodia - The Friendly Country.

How friendly? Real friendly. So friendly, you think there's got to be something wrong, because no-one's that friendly.

I'll relate a story from New Years Eve, which was spent at a tiny remote beach townh called Sihanoukville, or more correctly, on Serendipity Beach.

We were drinking buckets at a bar on the sand. For those of you who don't understand that expression, a bucket is a traditional sand bucket (in this instance, minus the spade), filled with vodka, whiskey and redbull, for the princely sum of $2.50

So, anyways, midnight comes and we all decide to strip off (the locals here have nicknamed me "Mr Monkey") and go for a midnight skinny dip.

I get back to my clothes and my wallet is sitting on top of my clothes, opened and emptied. (To put this into perspective, we're talking about $6, but more importantly, my drivers license, which is of no use to anyone but me).

I notice a kid next to my stuff, who proclaimed his innocence by emptying his pockets and pointing down the beach yelling "Little boy!"

Resigned to having lost my license (and $6), I returned to the party. Anyways, 5 hours later (5:15 am), I bump into the same kid next to the bar. A little more sloshed this time, I decide to confront him.

"Listen, I don't care about the cash, I just want back my f***ing driver's license. You keep the f***ing cash".

No doubt understanding absolutely nothing of the above except my emotion, the kid taps the bartender, who immediately produced my driver's license.

How good is this country? Even when they screw you, they're nice to you!!

Cambodia - Traffic Mayhemh

In this country, motorcycle is the mainh (and sometimes only) means of travel, with up to 4 people on a bike at any one time, meaning that motorcyclists rule the road. The locals wear thongs, shorts, singlets and other body-protecting gear and this is one area where backpackers
have no troubles blending.

The road rules, as far I can determine, are as follows.

1. All cars must honk at all times.
2. Stop signs, give way signs and traffic lights are all ornamental.
3. When overtaking around a blind corner, honk to warn of impending destructionh.
4. When going through an intersectionh, look left and right at all other cars going through so you can judge your line and speed. NEVER
EVER COME TO A COMPLETE STOP AT AN INTERSECTIONH.
5. Fastest car on the road should give way. This includes to pedestrianhs, who should continue walking, as all road users will judge their speed and avoid accordingly.

This led to the peak hour chaos scene we experienced in Pnomh Penh today, with 3 blokes on our bike, piling into a corridor of traffic where, even though we never came to a complete stop, were always withinh 3 inches of a vehicle at all times.

Cambodia - The Frisbee Players

Every child in Cambodia is a natural at the frisbee. From the 5 year old girl who caught one-handed whilst balancing a basket of eggs on her head, to the 12 year old boy who was throwing forehands between his legs after 15 minutes.

This country has the potential to become the best in the world - all they need are coaches, facilities and frisbees.

It's an amazing toy - sometimes it's easy to forget that the kids who are forced from a young age to sell their wares to tourists are just kids. I throroughly recommend travelling with a frisbee to everyone.

(Good sales pitch - maybe I should get into selling frisbees.)

Cambodia - It's pretty sweet, mate.

There is one final thing that disturbs me about this place. It seems to be fairly Australianised. What is it about the Australianh culture that it feels the need to trumpet its greatness to the rest of the world? This beach? Yeah, it's pretty good - but it's not Bondi. This beer? Not bad, but how good would a VB go downh. Hear that? It's Crowded House - They're Australianh. And in Australia, we do things this way. And in Australia, ...

Which leads me to wonder why there are pubs here called the "G'day mate"? Or why the guy running my hostel introduced himself as "Easy, Tiger"? Why do we feel the need to dominate a cultural place with such a clear lack of class???

Or am I just being un-Australianh?

OK, until next time...