Son of a beach
Well, I shaved my hair a couple of weeks ago. Not completely off, but certainly short enough to reveal that the corners of my fringe are a little bit further back than last time I checked.
I believe the technical term for this effect is "receding"
And I, for one, am not going to stand for it.
I'm going to enlist the help of some lawyers and start a class action in genetic negligence.
I can see the trial now.
"Dr Grunstein, is it not true that you are bald?"
"Mrs Grunstein, is it not true that you have a paternal history of baldness in your family?"
"David Grunstein, is it not true that someone pissed in your gene pool?"
In life and in general, we have a lot to thank our parents for. They frame us as people, through a combination of genetics and environment.
When I was a child, my parents taught me never to accept anything from a stranger. Nothing revolutionary here - my understanding is that this is a hard and fast rule, legislated by all parents out of pure common sense and a fear of the unknown (and possibly perverse).
My question is as follows. How do American parents reconcile the above rule with their kids trick or treating on Halloween, a cultural phenomenon requiring the breaking of the above rule?
Oh, and by the way, this is not a crack at Americans. I hate how trendy it has become to be anti-American - it's like, if you totally want to score some points in public, make some comment about how America is evil and Bush is evil and you'll be the most popular person around.
In fact, I would go so far as to say that I am now Pro-American. I love America. America IS the greatest country in the world. They have the best sports, the hottest and sluttiest girls and the best pizza - open, 24 hours a day every day. What a land of opportunity!! The rest of the world has NO idea what they're missing out on.
Let's think about it for a second. Over in Iran, we've got some religious nutcase building a nuclear bomb. Think he's ever spent a summer in Cancun?
Doubtful. Doubtful he's even seen a beach.
And here's the crux of the matter. Around the world today, there are many hotspots. Look at them on a map and they've all got something in common.
No beaches.
Middle East, Central Africa - the list goes on. These areas have 2 things in common. Lots of sand, no beaches.
Australians are descendents of the English. So, why are the English so much more uptight than the Australians?
They don't have beaches.
I am a firm believer of the theory that the vast majority of the problems in the world would be resolved if more countries had a beach culture.
I still am, even given the "racial riots" (media expression, not mine) we have seen in Sydney over the past week. (By the way, can anyone actually pinpoint when Australians forgot about being racist to Asians and started on people from the Middle East?)
Bondi over the weekend was absolutely brilliant - Blue skies, 30 degrees, warm water, an empty beach, no traffic and a thoroughly entertaining police operation in place for 2 days straight.
This morning's newspapers claimed a victory in the battle. The effective placement of "heavy police presence at several Sydney beachside suburbs at the weekend averted a potential disaster"
So, how effective were the police?
Well, when 6 Japanese kids on the beach decided to have a running race over a distance of about 20 metres, they attracted the attention of 3 cop cars (sirens blazing from around the corner) and 10 foot soldiers.
Then, there was the group of 10 cops gathering on a corner next to a pizza place. Clearly set up to monitor traffic, but having no traffic coming past, they were in a circle being briefed on the strategic priorities of Operation "Keep the Middle East out of the East."
You could just imagine the conversation ... "So, we've got 3 margheritas, 2 Supremes ... hold the anchovies, 1 BBQ Meat Lovers ... did anyone want garlic bread ..."
How about the plumbing van with "persons of Middle Eastern descent" (I love that expression) that, surprise surprise, had a heap of pipes in it?
And of the 25 charges laid over the weekend, all were for drink driving or traffic violations as morons attempted to break the law whilst going through police roadblocks.
Hmm... so the threat for potential disaster was clearly huge.
But the worst part about this "threat" is that the government actually came out and said "Don't go to the beaches this weekend". As distinguished from "Be careful at the beaches this weekend."
In a country like Australia, where beach-going is as much part of our national being as Pommie-bashing, whinging and Tall-Poppy cutting, this is an alarming development.
It would be like telling an American that they weren't allowed to bear arms. A Canadian they weren't allowed to have maple syrup on their pancakes. A French person that they weren't allowed to surrender in battle.
Our rights as Australians have been abused, thousands of local beach businesses have been damaged by a lack of business and the government is claiming a Pyrrhic victory in an imaginary battle.
And the worst part of it all?
My mum never let me go trick or treating.
I believe the technical term for this effect is "receding"
And I, for one, am not going to stand for it.
I'm going to enlist the help of some lawyers and start a class action in genetic negligence.
I can see the trial now.
"Dr Grunstein, is it not true that you are bald?"
"Mrs Grunstein, is it not true that you have a paternal history of baldness in your family?"
"David Grunstein, is it not true that someone pissed in your gene pool?"
In life and in general, we have a lot to thank our parents for. They frame us as people, through a combination of genetics and environment.
When I was a child, my parents taught me never to accept anything from a stranger. Nothing revolutionary here - my understanding is that this is a hard and fast rule, legislated by all parents out of pure common sense and a fear of the unknown (and possibly perverse).
My question is as follows. How do American parents reconcile the above rule with their kids trick or treating on Halloween, a cultural phenomenon requiring the breaking of the above rule?
Oh, and by the way, this is not a crack at Americans. I hate how trendy it has become to be anti-American - it's like, if you totally want to score some points in public, make some comment about how America is evil and Bush is evil and you'll be the most popular person around.
In fact, I would go so far as to say that I am now Pro-American. I love America. America IS the greatest country in the world. They have the best sports, the hottest and sluttiest girls and the best pizza - open, 24 hours a day every day. What a land of opportunity!! The rest of the world has NO idea what they're missing out on.
Let's think about it for a second. Over in Iran, we've got some religious nutcase building a nuclear bomb. Think he's ever spent a summer in Cancun?
Doubtful. Doubtful he's even seen a beach.
And here's the crux of the matter. Around the world today, there are many hotspots. Look at them on a map and they've all got something in common.
No beaches.
Middle East, Central Africa - the list goes on. These areas have 2 things in common. Lots of sand, no beaches.
Australians are descendents of the English. So, why are the English so much more uptight than the Australians?
They don't have beaches.
I am a firm believer of the theory that the vast majority of the problems in the world would be resolved if more countries had a beach culture.
I still am, even given the "racial riots" (media expression, not mine) we have seen in Sydney over the past week. (By the way, can anyone actually pinpoint when Australians forgot about being racist to Asians and started on people from the Middle East?)
Bondi over the weekend was absolutely brilliant - Blue skies, 30 degrees, warm water, an empty beach, no traffic and a thoroughly entertaining police operation in place for 2 days straight.
This morning's newspapers claimed a victory in the battle. The effective placement of "heavy police presence at several Sydney beachside suburbs at the weekend averted a potential disaster"
So, how effective were the police?
Well, when 6 Japanese kids on the beach decided to have a running race over a distance of about 20 metres, they attracted the attention of 3 cop cars (sirens blazing from around the corner) and 10 foot soldiers.
Then, there was the group of 10 cops gathering on a corner next to a pizza place. Clearly set up to monitor traffic, but having no traffic coming past, they were in a circle being briefed on the strategic priorities of Operation "Keep the Middle East out of the East."
You could just imagine the conversation ... "So, we've got 3 margheritas, 2 Supremes ... hold the anchovies, 1 BBQ Meat Lovers ... did anyone want garlic bread ..."
How about the plumbing van with "persons of Middle Eastern descent" (I love that expression) that, surprise surprise, had a heap of pipes in it?
And of the 25 charges laid over the weekend, all were for drink driving or traffic violations as morons attempted to break the law whilst going through police roadblocks.
Hmm... so the threat for potential disaster was clearly huge.
But the worst part about this "threat" is that the government actually came out and said "Don't go to the beaches this weekend". As distinguished from "Be careful at the beaches this weekend."
In a country like Australia, where beach-going is as much part of our national being as Pommie-bashing, whinging and Tall-Poppy cutting, this is an alarming development.
It would be like telling an American that they weren't allowed to bear arms. A Canadian they weren't allowed to have maple syrup on their pancakes. A French person that they weren't allowed to surrender in battle.
Our rights as Australians have been abused, thousands of local beach businesses have been damaged by a lack of business and the government is claiming a Pyrrhic victory in an imaginary battle.
And the worst part of it all?
My mum never let me go trick or treating.
posted by The Groin at 2:53 pm
2 comments
