Working with wankers

It's a beautiful Saturday morning in Sydney. I'm completely hungover, and I'm starting to notice that a lot of my more recent blogs have begun in the same fashion, but this is not a story about my gradual decline into alcoholism.

I'm saving that story for my 2nd biography. I've decided that if rock stars and sport stars can have multiple biographies by the age of 30, then there's no reason I shouldn't. Even though my sporting and musical achievements to date wouldn't fill a page of the book, there's still no reason why I can't both partake in and document my slide into substance abuse before recovering magnificently to lead a solid, suburban life.

But I digress.

See, I'm actually meant to be in Melbourne this weekend. Last night's bender was brought about by a late change of heart by my current employer, who decided that my presence in the office was required on the weekend. I decided to grace them with solely my physical presence (think a corporate equivalent of Braveheart "You can take away my life, but you cannot take my freedom!!") and I'm sure I reek of cheap gin right now.

It's not that bad. I actually really like some of the people I work with (barring those mentioned in previous stories)

But it's in the inherent nature of the management consultant that they (we?) have to be as fastidious as possible in everything we do.

Fastidious: having high and often capricious standards, difficult to please

Fastidious : showing or demanding excessive delicacy of care

Fastidious : reflecting a meticulous, sensitive, or demanding attitude

And it's not just that we're anal.

It's also that we pride ourselves on "thinking outside the box".

Thinking outside the box is possibly one of the wankiest expressions you'll ever hear. It typically means "not capable of spotting the obvious, even if it's in front of your nose".

And now we arrive at the crux of the issue.

I'm running a tipping competition at work for the World Cup. Should be pretty easy, right? I mean, you just send out an Excel spreadsheet for people to fill out, they fill it out and send it back to you, no questions asked.

Right?

Apparently not.

So, for the enjoyment of one and all, here are the genius replies to my email from people attempting to enter the tipping competition. Please remember that every email below comes from a holistic, free-spirited, all-rounded genius who "thinks outside the box" and is capable of collaboratively adding value to your business going forward. And, more importantly, is billed out at at least $2000 a day.

Apparently, I offer excellent customer service

"Hi David; may I say what an excellent service you're running here, nice one!"

Not everyone actually seems to read their emails

"Hi David, What are the details for the world cup tipping comp?"

Apparently, my instructions weren't crystal clear

In response to "Just so you know, you've only sent me tips up to match 16."

"Hi David.Yeah that's right .... the rules say to submit your tips:"For the group games - by the start of the 1st game of that round"

By 1st "round", i took this to mean:- The bunch of games that all countries play first (e.g. match 16)

By 1st "round", i took this to mean:- The bunch of games that all countries play second (e.g. match 32)etc

So by the 1st round, does this actually mean the whole group stages?"

And some people just don't know how to follow instructions. And feel the need to brag

"Here you go mate, I'm off to German next Thursday, can't wait. For the matches have just done like a betting slip (1, 2, X). One thing, for the novices they may not be sure about putting in a draw for the group games."

Some people think they could do it better

"Great to see your effort to set this up. It'll be a big effort to maintain this. Have you seeked any web option to manage this comp ? ie http://www.oztips.com"

While others don't seem to think they could do it at all

"With absolutely no idea about football... except Footballers Wives (so I was wondering why there are not categories for best cat fight and frock??), here are my tips."

Some people clearly have too much time on their hands

"Very good initiative! Made me think about what the result will be of the pool games. Made some improvements on the sheet, and thought that I'll share them with you. (Included 1,2,3 selection, points gathered by team, and auto selection of pool winner). Haven't finished completing the form, need to revise some pools (but of course winner is simple pick)"

Some people just HAVE to make a comment

"Please find attached my world cup tipping sheet.. If I don't with the ultimate prize then the whole things a rort!"

Some people think sarcasm is a form of wit

"I'm *so* excited."

Some people are obviously penny pinching at the moment

"Guys, am guessing the competition is free? who is providing the prizes"

Someone takes themself way too seriously

"This is my forecast..."

Someone (who left an indecipherable tip, in response to my email "Just quickly - what was your selection for when Australia gets knocked out?") needs to learn how to spell the word "call"

"sorry can you please cal me"

Or the word "tip"

"Here are my tipps ..."

Or the word "is"

"Attached if my entry for the world cup tipping comp."

Some people struggle with basic grammar

"Here are my World Cup Tipping competition."

Some people obviously are in more than one tipping competition

"Sorry I sent the worng one . This is the correct one."

One of the Asian guys at work obviously has a rasta influence

"Here 'tis. Thanks .... have a great one and good luck to da tipping."

Someone mistook me for a girl with the surname Grundner

Dave, Got that by mistake - over to you.

Of course, I couldn't just be ORGANISING this tipping competition... I'm also FACILITATING it.

"Please find attached my entry into the competition...good on ya for organising/facilitating this competition!!"

But lastly, my absolute favourite. The management consultant who has enough foresight to predict the future.

"Pls. find enclosed my tipping competition form. My only observation is you have not provided options to fill in winners for Round of 16 and QF any where"

Remember - Consulting. Constantly adding value at $2000 a day.