Pigeon Politics
Last night I killed a pigeon.
I had to. I mean, I didn't want to kill the pigeon.
I was pulling my car out of my garage, on my way to dinner, and I see this pigeon with a broken wing and it was thrashing and writhing around on the ground in absolute agony.
I was stuck with a conundrum - what to do? I quickly summed up my options as follows:
1. Take it to a vet, who would put it down
2. Get a towel and a hammer.
3. Run it over with my car.
I did what any humane person would have done in the circumstances.
I chose option 3 and ended the pigeon's life with my car. I even backed up over it to make sure I finished the job. I definitely heard a loud cracking noise, akin to a dog chowing down on a bone.
The pigeon is currently resting in pieces, its insides on its outside, wing pointing upwards in an accusing manner.
Anyways, everything was going fine until this morning when I got a phone call from Kofi Annan.
What I'd missed is that over the last few days, a new organisation had sprung up in the Australia known as PIGEON, which stands for Political Incitement - Guerilla Exchanges On Neutrals. They describe themselves as a completely pacifist political entity hell bent on the destruction of western society and especially Israel through non-violent militant means targeted at civilian populations.
What started as me killing a pigeon with a broken wing had warped slightly by the time it got to the UN.
Kofi accused me, as a proxy of Israel, of attempting to destroy PIGEON because of the behaviour of its militant wing.
When I tried to explain that it was actually a pigeon with a broken wing, which I ran over with my German car, he claimed that I used disproportionate force on a civilian population due to the actions of a militant minority.
"I had to kill it. The problem was with the wing - you can't separate the wing from the body," I protested, "they're one and the same."
Annan started screaming like a madman possessed "Your response is completely disproportionate. I demand an immediate ceasefire to be brokered by myself. If you don't accept my demands, rest assured, I will write an extremely strongly worded letter"
I hung up at this point and went to buy a Sydney Morning Herald.
Apparently, by this point, the press had gotten hold of the story.
Israeli disproportionate force against PIGEON, innocents killed
Hopes for peace in the Middle East were shattered last night, as a Jewish settler in Australia last night slaughtered a PIGEON activist in Bondi.
Shocked onlookers reported in horror that the settler ran over the activist several times in a manner that brought back memories of Israelis running over peace activists with bulldozers.
Middle East scholar Chamana Chamana said "I mean, sure, these activists have antagonised him in the past. They would have attacked him from above on several occasions and may have stolen food from him. But to respond in this manner is surely a use of disproportionate force and will only serve to make the relationship between us and them even more unstable."
Leader of the ATO (Aviary Terrorist Organisation), Col. Koh Katoo responded in an ominous warning, saying "We will unleash holy terror from above."
It is understood that the pigeon was engaged in a cross-border raid at the time of its cold blooded murder.
Apparently, it wasn't just the Herald that reported this story. I've later discovered the story to have been reported around the world:
Fox News - Hero kills homicide militant pigeon
The Guardian - US stands by as Israel slaughters innocent pigeon with German tanks
The Sun - Beckham slept with PIGEON - photos on page 3
al-Jazeera - Martyr pigeon slain by infidel
CNN - Yankees lose 3 straight
Meanwhile, some of the local newspapers picked the story up as well.
Daily Telegraph - Serial killer on the loose in Bondi.
Socialist Left Weekly - New Industrial Relations laws lead to death of carrier pigeon at work.
Do you think I wanted to kill the pigeon?
I was going out to buy my dinner, not slaughter it.
I'm completely traumatised by this and one thing's for sure - I'll never be able to eat chicken again.
Except chicken schnitzel. Mmm... schnitzel.
I had to. I mean, I didn't want to kill the pigeon.
I was pulling my car out of my garage, on my way to dinner, and I see this pigeon with a broken wing and it was thrashing and writhing around on the ground in absolute agony.
I was stuck with a conundrum - what to do? I quickly summed up my options as follows:
1. Take it to a vet, who would put it down
2. Get a towel and a hammer.
3. Run it over with my car.
I did what any humane person would have done in the circumstances.
I chose option 3 and ended the pigeon's life with my car. I even backed up over it to make sure I finished the job. I definitely heard a loud cracking noise, akin to a dog chowing down on a bone.
The pigeon is currently resting in pieces, its insides on its outside, wing pointing upwards in an accusing manner.
Anyways, everything was going fine until this morning when I got a phone call from Kofi Annan.
What I'd missed is that over the last few days, a new organisation had sprung up in the Australia known as PIGEON, which stands for Political Incitement - Guerilla Exchanges On Neutrals. They describe themselves as a completely pacifist political entity hell bent on the destruction of western society and especially Israel through non-violent militant means targeted at civilian populations.
What started as me killing a pigeon with a broken wing had warped slightly by the time it got to the UN.
Kofi accused me, as a proxy of Israel, of attempting to destroy PIGEON because of the behaviour of its militant wing.
When I tried to explain that it was actually a pigeon with a broken wing, which I ran over with my German car, he claimed that I used disproportionate force on a civilian population due to the actions of a militant minority.
"I had to kill it. The problem was with the wing - you can't separate the wing from the body," I protested, "they're one and the same."
Annan started screaming like a madman possessed "Your response is completely disproportionate. I demand an immediate ceasefire to be brokered by myself. If you don't accept my demands, rest assured, I will write an extremely strongly worded letter"
I hung up at this point and went to buy a Sydney Morning Herald.
Apparently, by this point, the press had gotten hold of the story.
Israeli disproportionate force against PIGEON, innocents killed
Hopes for peace in the Middle East were shattered last night, as a Jewish settler in Australia last night slaughtered a PIGEON activist in Bondi.
Shocked onlookers reported in horror that the settler ran over the activist several times in a manner that brought back memories of Israelis running over peace activists with bulldozers.
Middle East scholar Chamana Chamana said "I mean, sure, these activists have antagonised him in the past. They would have attacked him from above on several occasions and may have stolen food from him. But to respond in this manner is surely a use of disproportionate force and will only serve to make the relationship between us and them even more unstable."
Leader of the ATO (Aviary Terrorist Organisation), Col. Koh Katoo responded in an ominous warning, saying "We will unleash holy terror from above."
It is understood that the pigeon was engaged in a cross-border raid at the time of its cold blooded murder.
Apparently, it wasn't just the Herald that reported this story. I've later discovered the story to have been reported around the world:
Fox News - Hero kills homicide militant pigeon
The Guardian - US stands by as Israel slaughters innocent pigeon with German tanks
The Sun - Beckham slept with PIGEON - photos on page 3
al-Jazeera - Martyr pigeon slain by infidel
CNN - Yankees lose 3 straight
Meanwhile, some of the local newspapers picked the story up as well.
Daily Telegraph - Serial killer on the loose in Bondi.
Socialist Left Weekly - New Industrial Relations laws lead to death of carrier pigeon at work.
Do you think I wanted to kill the pigeon?
I was going out to buy my dinner, not slaughter it.
I'm completely traumatised by this and one thing's for sure - I'll never be able to eat chicken again.
Except chicken schnitzel. Mmm... schnitzel.
posted by The Groin at 1:28 pm
2 comments
