Better than Oysters: Updating Status Reports

Chicago, IL – For Richard Ditke, a lifetime ‘3’ consultant, time stood still for a moment last Tuesday in the over-crowded 15th floor windowless office of an un-named Midwest P&C Insurance company. His five-person project team were low on resources, with the Project Manager and two of the senior consultants responsible for running current state workshops and a consultant on PTO. This left Richard’s Project Manager with very little choice, and it was with a slight hesitation in his voice that Richard heard those magic words.

“Richard, I need you to update this week’s status report while we’re all running the workshop”

After weeks of trying to make himself stand out, by interjecting with what he thought were smart comments in weekly meetings, it came as no surprise to Richard to find himself in such a puissant position. What he didn’t expect, however, was the moment of slight embarrassment that followed thereafter, with an unexpected visitor arriving in the form of a bulge in his pants.

Dr Trevor Smithson, from the University of Chicago, has been a leading researcher into Inflated Ego Erectile Dysfunction (IEED) for the past 15 years and he has noticed a disturbing trend.

“Over the past 15 years, we have seen rates of IEED rise, much like a teenager at his first prom night, causing embarrassment in offices nationwide,” explains Dr Smithson. “However my research shows there are two other related trends that should be a basis of much concern.”

Higher incidence in IEED appears to have a direct relationship with the growth in MBA programs. Disturbingly, this suggests that individuals are not embarking on MBA programs to further their education, or even their career prospects. Dr Smithson believes his research “suggests that MBA programs tend to attract a certain type of student, who is more likely to be in love with themselves than the average post-graduate student”

Additionally, Dr Smithson believes that there is an inverse correlation between the rate of increase in IEED and the level of quality of output from consulting firms.

“Over the past 15 years, perceived output of consulting firms has increased, with consultants working more and more hours in the office. However, this has not been matched in terms of either quality, or even quantity, of real output. Most of the difference can be attributed to face time”

Dr Lenny Withers, a psychologist from Wisconsin Psychotherapy Institute, takes the argument one step further.

“What we’re seeing here is not mere face time, it is an extrapolation of the need to feel important by being seen by one’s peers to be important. The best expression of importance is the amount of time one is either at work, or talking about work. It is therefore a small step from considering one’s own belief in one’s self-importance, to loving one’s self-importance.”

“When we say we’re seeing an epidemic of IEED, what we’re really seeing is an epidemic of self-love.”

None of this matters to Richard Ditke, however. When asked how he felt updating his first status report, he exclaimed “Amazing! This is the ultimate aphrodisiac!”, as he struggled to cross one leg over the other