What would you like to shoot today, sir?
Question.
Would you trust a plane that looked like this?
I mean, surely the only reason you would paint a plane this colour is to make it easier to search for. And what else are mates for, other than parting advice of, "If the propellors stop, remember when you climb out onto the wing to rotate them clockwise."
And as the plane landed in Bangkok International - and by landed, I mean it hovered over the runway at an alarming speed, bounced off the left tyres 3 times, the right tyres twice, the left again before settling into a fishtail across the runway - I said goodbye to 3 most memorable weeks in Laos and Cambodia to begin my journey back home.
So, what exactly am I saying goodbye to?
They call New York the city that never sleeps. Well, Cambodia and Laos never sleep when I'm trying to. I think these are the only places on earth where people wake up the roosters. Well before the crack of dawn, Phnom Penh drowns in a chorus of motorcycle engines and
construction work. These are usually followed by a couple of confused crows by roosters, no doubt intent on complaining to their union about demarcation.
This also means that the night life in Phnom Penh is fairly underground, making it an extremely scary city to walk around in after dark. Picture this scene - you're walking down a paved road lined with slummy apartment blocks at night. Then, you turn into a dirt road, lined with mansions that are fenced in by massive compound walls and barbed wire. There is not a single street light, no noise, no cars on the road, no cars parked by the side of the road and no people. Now, imagine that you've had a couple of beers, you've taken a wrong turn and you end up at a massive roundabout that heads off in 12 different directions, you remember that your place is near a photo shop, but every store is closed and they all look the same from the outside anyways ... and you are the only thing moving and making sound. Kind of makes you wish for the roosters and the motorcycles.
Speaking of motorcycles, once again words cannot do justice to the mayhem that is traffic in Phnom Penh. After a while, you actually get used to the 4 lanes of traffic. These include the 2 lanes that are driving in the right direction and 2 lanes on the outside going the wrong direction, but which are trying to cut through oncoming traffic to get to the other side of the road.
And just quickly, speaking of traffic, I'd personally like to thank the NSW Infringements Bureau. Having received a parking ticket just before leaving Australia, I took the infringement notice with me so I could pay it on the internet. Let's just say that it came in extremely handy when I received a bout of traveller's diahorrea and had no toilet paper available.
And speaking of toilets, let's talk about the French.
The French have left a lasting colonial impression across Asia. These include French style mansions and coffee houses and one can sit by the river in Phnom Penh wearing a safari suit and drinking beer and coffee all afternoon. My favourite legacy from the French, however, is the "bun gun", a high powered spray found in Asian bathrooms that serves as a hand-held bidet.
So, what do I think of Cambodians?
Cambodians are a highly flexible group of people. We had been told of an 'underground' shooting range that existed in Phnom Penh, full of excess army stock and our guide, Easy Tiger, took us there one morning. We arrived, not at an 'underground' shooting range, but at an active army base. Slipping the guards a little green piece of paper that read "In God We Trust", we found ourselves inside a Cambodian army base, with access to whatever weaponry we desired. We were greeted by a host, who asked us to take a seat, producing some menus. I'd already eaten breakfast and wasn't hungry, but then realised that this menu was slightly different to any other I'd seen. It read as follows.
AK-47 (Russian) - 30 bullets
M-16 (American) - 30 bullets
M-60 (American) - 100 bullets
And so on. Also available on request were grenades, rocket launchers, anti-aircraft missiles and (for the real sickos) a live cow.
Cambodians are an extremely friendly group of people. One afternoon, I challenged some locals to a game of chess in a park - little did I know that the Cambodians play with completely different rules and moves. However, with a bit of help from a mobile phone call, I took advantage of my distracted opponent and seized the game. He turned out to be a Tuk-tuk driver, who, on losing, became my driver for the rest of the afternoon.
Cambodians are a resilient group of people. As a country, they are beginning to recover from the Khmer Rouge regime, or at least, on the surface. Having seen first-hand the prisons and killing fields of the Khmer Rouge, I was repulsed, hearing how Pol Pot poisened the minds of children against their families, emptied the cities, and drove everyone out into the fields to work. The Khmer Rouge regime killed anyone with an education (having first tortured them for a 'confession', using such techniques as tying their hands down, ripping their fingernails out with pliers and then pouring alcohol on the wounds). The killings were done in fields and to save on bullets, the Khmer Rouge used to bash their victims in the head with gun butts.
Cambodians are an extremely proud and nationalistic group of people. In this context, I met an amazing person. In the massive marketplace at Phnom Penh, there is a Cambodian equivalent of a Food Court. Don't imagine Boost Juice, sushi and sandwiches, however, think more of a cross between an abattoir and Chinatown. Anyways, tucked into the corner of these markets was a coffee shop. I sat down to get an ice coffee and started chatting to the owner. He explained the whole process of how he makes his coffee and how fresh his beans are and all of a sudden, the conversation turns to Cambodian history.
This man started to tell me about the history of Cambodia, a story about what 800 years ago was a massive empire, but whose modern history includes being involved in a political tug of war between Thailand and Vietnam, becoming a French protectorate but having little to no social support from the French, becoming a battlefield for the Cold War and one of the most heavily land-mined areas on the planet, having 5 years of civil war finally followed by 5 years of Khmer Rouge rule, which left 2 million Cambodians dead.
At this point, the friendly coffee shop man nearly broke down and started crying. It occurred to me that he would have lived from the French colony period onwards, throughout Civil War, throughout Khmer Rouge atrocities, and here he was, a coffee shop owner, proud of his
coffee shop and proud of his country.
At the end of our conversation, he took out a 100 Riel note (about 2.5 cents) and ripped it in half. On one half he wrote his name and gave it to me and I reciprocated. My cup of coffee turned into an extremely humbling and eye-opening experience.
So, I met a lot of amazing people in Cambodia. Unfortunately, I met a lot of wankers as well, except the wankers seemed to all be Westerners. This next piece might sound a bit aggressive, but I've never met so many annoying travellers in such a short space of time.
Dumb Dave - This guy was the stereotypical whinging pom. He would make outlandish statements, such as "The women in this country don't go out - they stay at home, while the men go out. We should have that back home - that way, there would be less problems." and "The only contribution the Irish made to this world is potatoes". Dumb Dave hated everything about Cambodia - he hated the people, he hated the food, he couldn't stand the place. This was why we couldn't figure out why he was looking for a permanent job in Phnom Penh. Which he was having trouble with because "Everyone wants me to get up so early for interviews - 10am, what's that all about? I go out at night and get drunk - how do they expect me to get up before midday?" It'd be funny if he wasn't so serious.
Patty and Selma - These 2 full bodied, chain smokers were a Dutch equivalent of Marge's sisters from the Simpsons, basically minus the blue hair and the pet iguana. They jumped into our Tuk tuk unannounced, then on arrival at our accomodation, insisted that Rob and myself share a double bed while they take the twin because "We are not a couple ... she snores" (you've got to actually hear it and see them to understand just how gratingly annoying these women were). The irony was not lost when we bumped into them at the next town we visited and they were looking for accomodation ... Rob and I quickly offered them the spare double bed at our guesthouse.
The Rooster - A girl from Newcastle, who was constantly drunk and constantly falling on top of you and announcing how drunk she was. Worse still, she was one of those "Because I'm Australian, I went out with other Aussies and because I'm an Aussie, I had to have a drink
with them". Funny how I didn't feel inclined to have a drink with her. The worst part was, she talked to our group of 4 Aussies as though we weren't Aussie, not that she actually asked where we were from, she was too busy telling us how drunk she was. We nicknamed her "The Rooster" because a rooster is loud and annoying at the wrong time of the day.
The Reality TV Show Tour Group - We only caught these guys at the end of their tour, but somehow they had had such a bad day, they turned against each other. Faced with the opportunity to explore a beautiful limestone cave on a tube in (admittedly freezing) water, we caught the following comments. From an Aussie girl - "We've seen caves all day, I just want to go home". From and English guy - "How do you expect us to go in there? We're not the SAS". The only thing this group lacked was home viewers to see who was going to get voted off.
I don't know where these people come from, or why they bother to go travelling, but wankers aside, Laos was an incredible experience. A country I never intended to visit at the start of my trip, Laos was a gem. Containing spectacular views of gorgeous mountains and merging rivers, Laos was a stereotypically beautiful Asian countryside. It's possibly the most chilled out country on earth, which is pretty amazing, considering it is also supposedly the most bombed country on
earth, thanks to some US carpet bombing post Vietnam.
Highlights included a bus trip from Vang Vieng (affectionately nicknamed "Bang Bang" by our crew) to Luang Prabang (equally affectionately nicknamed "Gang Bang"), where the driver managed to negotiate a series of switchbacks and hills by throwing the bus around at high speeds whilst completely burning out the brakes.
Our group went tubing down the Han Song river, which turned out to be the most painful experience of my trip. Throughout the course of the 4 hour trip, I managed to completely smash my tailbone against some rocks. As a result, it hurts to sit down, which made the bumpy 6 hour
bus ride all the more enjoyable. Additional injuries include rope burn, muscle soreness and cuts from jumping off cliffs, swinging off ropes and climbing bamboo ladders. These may also be slightly attributed to all the longneck bottles we consumed on the way down the river.
On my final morning in Gang Bang, we woke up before the roosters and motorcycles to watch what is essentially a monk ticker tape parade - at dawn, all the monks in the city (about 400) walk in procession through the streets of the city while the locals place food in their urns - an extremely spiritual and unnecessarily early start to the day - and as always, the natural habitat for the endangered Western tourist, who for some reason thought that the monks would enjoy having SLR cameras shoved in their faces at 6am.
And that was Asia. Khawp jai lai lai for a great trip and stay tuned for "Adventures of some guy who has a full time job and a routine"
Would you trust a plane that looked like this?
I mean, surely the only reason you would paint a plane this colour is to make it easier to search for. And what else are mates for, other than parting advice of, "If the propellors stop, remember when you climb out onto the wing to rotate them clockwise."
And as the plane landed in Bangkok International - and by landed, I mean it hovered over the runway at an alarming speed, bounced off the left tyres 3 times, the right tyres twice, the left again before settling into a fishtail across the runway - I said goodbye to 3 most memorable weeks in Laos and Cambodia to begin my journey back home.
So, what exactly am I saying goodbye to?
They call New York the city that never sleeps. Well, Cambodia and Laos never sleep when I'm trying to. I think these are the only places on earth where people wake up the roosters. Well before the crack of dawn, Phnom Penh drowns in a chorus of motorcycle engines and
construction work. These are usually followed by a couple of confused crows by roosters, no doubt intent on complaining to their union about demarcation.
This also means that the night life in Phnom Penh is fairly underground, making it an extremely scary city to walk around in after dark. Picture this scene - you're walking down a paved road lined with slummy apartment blocks at night. Then, you turn into a dirt road, lined with mansions that are fenced in by massive compound walls and barbed wire. There is not a single street light, no noise, no cars on the road, no cars parked by the side of the road and no people. Now, imagine that you've had a couple of beers, you've taken a wrong turn and you end up at a massive roundabout that heads off in 12 different directions, you remember that your place is near a photo shop, but every store is closed and they all look the same from the outside anyways ... and you are the only thing moving and making sound. Kind of makes you wish for the roosters and the motorcycles.
Speaking of motorcycles, once again words cannot do justice to the mayhem that is traffic in Phnom Penh. After a while, you actually get used to the 4 lanes of traffic. These include the 2 lanes that are driving in the right direction and 2 lanes on the outside going the wrong direction, but which are trying to cut through oncoming traffic to get to the other side of the road.
And just quickly, speaking of traffic, I'd personally like to thank the NSW Infringements Bureau. Having received a parking ticket just before leaving Australia, I took the infringement notice with me so I could pay it on the internet. Let's just say that it came in extremely handy when I received a bout of traveller's diahorrea and had no toilet paper available.
And speaking of toilets, let's talk about the French.
The French have left a lasting colonial impression across Asia. These include French style mansions and coffee houses and one can sit by the river in Phnom Penh wearing a safari suit and drinking beer and coffee all afternoon. My favourite legacy from the French, however, is the "bun gun", a high powered spray found in Asian bathrooms that serves as a hand-held bidet.
So, what do I think of Cambodians?
Cambodians are a highly flexible group of people. We had been told of an 'underground' shooting range that existed in Phnom Penh, full of excess army stock and our guide, Easy Tiger, took us there one morning. We arrived, not at an 'underground' shooting range, but at an active army base. Slipping the guards a little green piece of paper that read "In God We Trust", we found ourselves inside a Cambodian army base, with access to whatever weaponry we desired. We were greeted by a host, who asked us to take a seat, producing some menus. I'd already eaten breakfast and wasn't hungry, but then realised that this menu was slightly different to any other I'd seen. It read as follows.
AK-47 (Russian) - 30 bullets
M-16 (American) - 30 bullets
M-60 (American) - 100 bullets
And so on. Also available on request were grenades, rocket launchers, anti-aircraft missiles and (for the real sickos) a live cow.
Cambodians are an extremely friendly group of people. One afternoon, I challenged some locals to a game of chess in a park - little did I know that the Cambodians play with completely different rules and moves. However, with a bit of help from a mobile phone call, I took advantage of my distracted opponent and seized the game. He turned out to be a Tuk-tuk driver, who, on losing, became my driver for the rest of the afternoon.
Cambodians are a resilient group of people. As a country, they are beginning to recover from the Khmer Rouge regime, or at least, on the surface. Having seen first-hand the prisons and killing fields of the Khmer Rouge, I was repulsed, hearing how Pol Pot poisened the minds of children against their families, emptied the cities, and drove everyone out into the fields to work. The Khmer Rouge regime killed anyone with an education (having first tortured them for a 'confession', using such techniques as tying their hands down, ripping their fingernails out with pliers and then pouring alcohol on the wounds). The killings were done in fields and to save on bullets, the Khmer Rouge used to bash their victims in the head with gun butts.
Cambodians are an extremely proud and nationalistic group of people. In this context, I met an amazing person. In the massive marketplace at Phnom Penh, there is a Cambodian equivalent of a Food Court. Don't imagine Boost Juice, sushi and sandwiches, however, think more of a cross between an abattoir and Chinatown. Anyways, tucked into the corner of these markets was a coffee shop. I sat down to get an ice coffee and started chatting to the owner. He explained the whole process of how he makes his coffee and how fresh his beans are and all of a sudden, the conversation turns to Cambodian history.
This man started to tell me about the history of Cambodia, a story about what 800 years ago was a massive empire, but whose modern history includes being involved in a political tug of war between Thailand and Vietnam, becoming a French protectorate but having little to no social support from the French, becoming a battlefield for the Cold War and one of the most heavily land-mined areas on the planet, having 5 years of civil war finally followed by 5 years of Khmer Rouge rule, which left 2 million Cambodians dead.
At this point, the friendly coffee shop man nearly broke down and started crying. It occurred to me that he would have lived from the French colony period onwards, throughout Civil War, throughout Khmer Rouge atrocities, and here he was, a coffee shop owner, proud of his
coffee shop and proud of his country.
At the end of our conversation, he took out a 100 Riel note (about 2.5 cents) and ripped it in half. On one half he wrote his name and gave it to me and I reciprocated. My cup of coffee turned into an extremely humbling and eye-opening experience.
So, I met a lot of amazing people in Cambodia. Unfortunately, I met a lot of wankers as well, except the wankers seemed to all be Westerners. This next piece might sound a bit aggressive, but I've never met so many annoying travellers in such a short space of time.
Dumb Dave - This guy was the stereotypical whinging pom. He would make outlandish statements, such as "The women in this country don't go out - they stay at home, while the men go out. We should have that back home - that way, there would be less problems." and "The only contribution the Irish made to this world is potatoes". Dumb Dave hated everything about Cambodia - he hated the people, he hated the food, he couldn't stand the place. This was why we couldn't figure out why he was looking for a permanent job in Phnom Penh. Which he was having trouble with because "Everyone wants me to get up so early for interviews - 10am, what's that all about? I go out at night and get drunk - how do they expect me to get up before midday?" It'd be funny if he wasn't so serious.
Patty and Selma - These 2 full bodied, chain smokers were a Dutch equivalent of Marge's sisters from the Simpsons, basically minus the blue hair and the pet iguana. They jumped into our Tuk tuk unannounced, then on arrival at our accomodation, insisted that Rob and myself share a double bed while they take the twin because "We are not a couple ... she snores" (you've got to actually hear it and see them to understand just how gratingly annoying these women were). The irony was not lost when we bumped into them at the next town we visited and they were looking for accomodation ... Rob and I quickly offered them the spare double bed at our guesthouse.
The Rooster - A girl from Newcastle, who was constantly drunk and constantly falling on top of you and announcing how drunk she was. Worse still, she was one of those "Because I'm Australian, I went out with other Aussies and because I'm an Aussie, I had to have a drink
with them". Funny how I didn't feel inclined to have a drink with her. The worst part was, she talked to our group of 4 Aussies as though we weren't Aussie, not that she actually asked where we were from, she was too busy telling us how drunk she was. We nicknamed her "The Rooster" because a rooster is loud and annoying at the wrong time of the day.
The Reality TV Show Tour Group - We only caught these guys at the end of their tour, but somehow they had had such a bad day, they turned against each other. Faced with the opportunity to explore a beautiful limestone cave on a tube in (admittedly freezing) water, we caught the following comments. From an Aussie girl - "We've seen caves all day, I just want to go home". From and English guy - "How do you expect us to go in there? We're not the SAS". The only thing this group lacked was home viewers to see who was going to get voted off.
I don't know where these people come from, or why they bother to go travelling, but wankers aside, Laos was an incredible experience. A country I never intended to visit at the start of my trip, Laos was a gem. Containing spectacular views of gorgeous mountains and merging rivers, Laos was a stereotypically beautiful Asian countryside. It's possibly the most chilled out country on earth, which is pretty amazing, considering it is also supposedly the most bombed country on
earth, thanks to some US carpet bombing post Vietnam.
Highlights included a bus trip from Vang Vieng (affectionately nicknamed "Bang Bang" by our crew) to Luang Prabang (equally affectionately nicknamed "Gang Bang"), where the driver managed to negotiate a series of switchbacks and hills by throwing the bus around at high speeds whilst completely burning out the brakes.
Our group went tubing down the Han Song river, which turned out to be the most painful experience of my trip. Throughout the course of the 4 hour trip, I managed to completely smash my tailbone against some rocks. As a result, it hurts to sit down, which made the bumpy 6 hour
bus ride all the more enjoyable. Additional injuries include rope burn, muscle soreness and cuts from jumping off cliffs, swinging off ropes and climbing bamboo ladders. These may also be slightly attributed to all the longneck bottles we consumed on the way down the river.
On my final morning in Gang Bang, we woke up before the roosters and motorcycles to watch what is essentially a monk ticker tape parade - at dawn, all the monks in the city (about 400) walk in procession through the streets of the city while the locals place food in their urns - an extremely spiritual and unnecessarily early start to the day - and as always, the natural habitat for the endangered Western tourist, who for some reason thought that the monks would enjoy having SLR cameras shoved in their faces at 6am.
And that was Asia. Khawp jai lai lai for a great trip and stay tuned for "Adventures of some guy who has a full time job and a routine"
posted by The Groin at 9:41 am
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